Footsteps in the Dark
by letthestarsfall
Summary: Jay's words circled round her brain. Why did he have to go snooping? She didn't want his pity. she didn't even want to remember. she wanted move on. Now she couldn't do that anyway. She was back to square one. All thanks to Jay Faldren.' RuthxJay Part1/3
1. The Morning after the Night before

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 1 - The Morning after the Night before.**

A loud bleeping filled the on call room. Ruth sat up and turned it off. She glanced around herself confused for a minute about where she was but then the events of the day before came flooding back.

'No one should ever have to feel that alone and I don't want you to feel like that again.'

Jay's words circled round her brain. Why did he have to go snooping? She didn't want his pity. she didn't even want to remember. she wanted move on. Now she couldn't do that anyway. She was back to square one. All thanks to Jay Faldren.

Sighing deeply she ran her fingers through her tangled hair, she wished she'd never got involved with Jay, she wished she'd just gone to the surgical functions alone. Now she not only had no rotation, she had no hope of getting one. Not while Sarah Evans was still around anyway. Ruth dampened a tissue in the sink and wiped away the smeared make up from her face. All that hard work for nothing. She glanced at her watch and realised she only had two minutes to get down to the ED. She turned the door handle and opened the door.

"What the hell are you doing?" She screamed as Jay's half asleep form fell at her feet

"Mmmph" Jay mumbled incoherently. Ruth kicked him in the ribs. Jay swore loudly. "What was that for?" He yawned

"Why the hell are you sleep on the doorway of the on call room?" Ruth asked irritably

"I was making sure you were ok." Jay rubbed his neck

"I'm perfectly fine, or I was until I saw you." Ruth lied "Some of us have work to do." she added storming down the corridor leaving Jay nursing his sore neck.

Ruth didn't want to admit it but she found the fact that Jay had slept in the corridor leaning up against a wooden door a rather sweet gesture. She shook her head and stepped into the department which was in total chaos.

"Ah Doctor Winters!" Mr Jordan said his voice full of relief "I was just about to page you, we've got a RTA, five cars involved.

"Where do you want me?" Ruth asked her usual enthusiasm was lacking

"Resus." Mr Jordan replied "and do something about you hair." he added "you look like you slept in a bush."

Ruth blushed as she dragged her fingers through he hair, attempting to flatten it a little more as she walked briskly through to resus just as Dixie and Jeff appeared with the next patient.

"Seven year old girl, Head trauma and suspected broken wrist and pelvis. She wasn't wearing her seatbelt and was catapulted into the barrier." Dixie explained as Ruth pulled on some rubber gloves and grabbed a corner of the board. "Unconscious on the scene, No name, the driver of her car was killed instantly, we suspect it was her father."

"On three." She said quickly "1...2...3!"

She pulled the small child over onto the bed with the help of Dixie, Jeff and Charlie.

"I want a CT scan ASAP." she told one of the other nurses who had come over to assist. "And can someone page Mr Jordan or Doctor Trueman?"

Ruth examined the bloody mess that was now the girls skull as Charlie dug through a draw to find the correct sized canula.

Ruth quickly examined the wrist and decided it was just a simple fracture. Jay entered the Resus yawning tiredly still rubbing his neck just as the little girl began to fit.

"Can I have some help over here!" Ruth yelled panicking, to her annoyance Jay was immediately next to her helping her roll the patient onto her side.

"She's gone into cardiac arrest." Jay commented as her BP Plummeted and her heart stopped beating

"I'm going to start chest compressions." Ruth told them as the girl was laid flat again. She continued the chest compressions to no effect for a good fifteen minutes before Charlie placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Call it." Charlie said sadly

"But.." Ruth started frustrated.

"She was to severely injured to have stood much of a chance with a head trauma that extensive." Charlie pointed out.

Ruth sighed and called it.

"Time of death 9.14am" she muttered pulling off the gloves and leaving resus feeling frustrated, She wandered back towards the nurses station but didn't get very far before she bumped into Tess who immediately put her to work in cubicles. She was only there half an hour before she was called back into Resus. She sighed deeply knowing today was going to be one of those days.


	2. Tough Love

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 2 - Tough Love**

Jay yawned as he flopped down on one of the computer chairs at the nurse's station.

"Jay!" Tess's voice echoed through the department, he rolled his eyes irritably "Do you ever do any work?"

"I only just sat down!" Jay complained "I've just finished helping Adam with the drunk in cubicle four!"

"And I really believe that." Tess tutted "Mrs Stevenson in cubicle 2 needs the wound on her arm stitching."

Jay rolled his eyes and headed over to cubicle 2. He entered the cubicle to find Ruth checking Mrs Stevenson's chart.

"What?" Ruth asked irritably

"Tess sent me to stitch Mrs Stevenson's arm." Jay told her

"Right, well you better do that then." Ruth replied putting Mrs Stevenson's notes back and heading out of the cubicle.

Jay shook his head and smiled at the old lady who was waiting patiently for him to start taking car of the nasty wound on her arm.

"Trouble love?" She asked kindly

"You have no idea." Jay replied "Now lets see to that arm."

"She's not very friendly that doctor" Mrs Stevenson told Jay

"Ruth.. Dr Winters, She's a complicated person." Jay smiled wiping the wound clean

"Ah that's why you like her?" Mrs Stevenson asked wisely as Jay started stitching her arm. "She's bit of a challenge?"

"You could say that." Jay laughed slightly

The subject switched to Mrs Stevenson's cat and Jay neatly finished off stitching the wound and applied a bandage.

"Right I'm sure Dr Winters will be back soon to discharge you." Jay told the old lady "Just make sure you go to you GP to get the bandage changed in two days."

"Thank you dear." Mrs Stevenson smiled as he slipped out of the cubicle

"Done?" Ruth's voice asked from behind Jay

"Yeah." Jay nodded "Look Ruth.."

"I'm busy." Ruth replied simply going into the cubicle. Jay sighed and headed off to the staffroom for a well deserved cup of coffee.

---

Ruth signed the last sheet of the file belonging to the patient she had just discharged. She sighed tiredly and picked up the next file, she headed over to the cubicle and pulled the curtain open only to be faced with a fourteen year old boy who was obviously not happy to be there.

"Who are you?" He asked folding his arms grumpily

"My name is Dr Winters I'm here to take a look at you leg." Ruth replied dully

"I've been waiting ages!" he complained

"We aren't here to just look after you." Ruth replied bluntly pulling his notes down and pulling on a pair of rubber gloves and getting down to business examining the obvious injury to his leg.

"Ouch! That hurts!" He complained

"Sit still." Ruth replied

"I don't like you." the boy replied folding his arms as Ruth continued the examination. She gritted her teeth and didn't reply. "You're a proper grumpy cow."

"You need an x-ray." Ruth told him ignoring the last comment "It appears to be a compound fracture of your left tibia, it will probably need some manipulations, maybe an operation and then probably a cast. A nurse will come to see you soon." She explained quickly leaving the boy a little confused before she slipped out of the cubicle.

She took a deep breath before heading over to the staffroom, she passed Jay who, to Ruth's relief, was just leaving. He looked like he was going to say something to her but she glared at him and he looked away. She grabbed a quick cup of coffee before heading back to the boy.

"How are you doing…" She started but she stopped as she spotted the unmoving patient

"I need some help in here!" She yelled starting chest compressions.

To her annoyance Jay was the first to her side but she didn't have time to think about arguing with him, she let him take over chest compression while she checked the boys pupils. Adam finally entered the cubicle with Tess at his side.

"Lets get him to resus!" Adam yelled

The team rushed the boy into resus and Jay continued CPR.

"This looks like a head trauma." Adam commented "Didn't you check him over Ruth?"

"He wasn't showing any signs, I thought it was just the leg…" Ruth bit her lip

"You should be checking every patient, especially ones that have fallen off objects like bikes for head injuries!" Adam told Ruth who was on the verge of tears "You should know that by now Ruth!"

"I'm sorry…" Ruth started

"Don't apologise!" Adam told her angrily "help make it right!"

Ruth nodded and started setting up the correct fluids as Adam examined the patient. He announced he suspected some sort of drug involvement causing the swelling on the brain and they began administering the correct drugs to try to help relieve the pressure on his skull. Ten minutes later after a couple of desperate attempts to revive the boy Adam finally called it. Tess headed out to try and get hold of the relatives while Adam stormed out leaving Ruth and Jay behind.

"Ruth?" Jay asked noticing her blank look "You ok?"

"Fine." Ruth responded

"You don't look fine.." Jay pointed out concerned

"Leave me alone Jay." Ruth snapped

"I will." Jay suddenly told her his voice rising "I'm so sick of this Ruth! All I ever tried to be was nice, I don't even know why for gods sake. Maybe I thought you deserved someone to actually give a damn about you but you don't. You are such a selfish cow! I'm done with you Ruth, I'm done trying to care when all you do treat me like something you scraped off your shoe!" he let the anger over flow. He immediately regretted it as a single tear escaped from Ruth's eye. She wiped it away immediately and choked back a sob.

"Good! Because I don't need some stupid nurse trailing after me. I can do so much better than a nurse who isn't even good at his job" Ruth screamed back "I've met thirteen year olds that are more grown up than you!" she added before she stormed off.

Jay swallowed the lump in his throat. He couldn't help but feel guilty for what he had just said but she had deserved it. Didn't she?


	3. Vodka

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 3 - Vodka**

Jay downed his fourth shot and laughed at the girl in front of him as she pulled a face at the straight vodka.

"So I said, I said she, she was selfish." He hiccupped drunkenly

"I think you've got to be a fabulous nurse, what with lips like that." the girl told him pulling at her shirt collar. She sounded drunk and her words slurred together.

Her lips crashed against his it felt awkward and he pulled away.

"More drinks!" he declared as the girl clung on round his neck "Two Vodka and cokes." he announced to the barman slapping down a ten pound note "Doubles!" he laughed

"Your handsome." the girl said sitting herself on his knee and running her fingers through his hair "This Ruby.."

"Ruth." Jay immediately corrected her

"This Ruth girl is ob…obviously stupid!" the girl smiled kissing him on the lips again.

"She's not stupid." Jay defended her "She's too clever for her own good." he slurred

The girl lent down and kissed him again

"Sounds like you need some fun." She mumbled drunkenly "Shall we take this else where?" she whispered before taking a sip from one of the glasses the bar tender had placed next to them.

"No." Jay suddenly stood up "I need to be with Ruth! Your not Ruth!"

Jay staggered off into the crowd leaving the bewildered blond behind him. He headed through the crowd desperately searching for that familiar face. No sign. So he stepped out of the building onto the street and suddenly he saw her, her short brown hair, beautiful pale skin. He grabbed her arm and kissed her on the lips. Suddenly he found himself being pinned up against the wall by his collar.

"Leave my girl alone." his attacker hissed. Jay blinked and looked over the guys shoulder to see a dark haired girl standing behind him, her hair was short and dark and had that rough look Ruth's always had but it was defiantly not Ruth.

"I'm sorry I thought she was Ruth…" Jay tried to explain drunkenly.

Bang. He felt his world spin as the man's fist collided with his cheek.

"Scum!" He yelled leaving Jay crumpled in a heap on the floor.

---

Jay slammed his locker shut and turned round to look directly into the face of Tess, he swore loudly.

"Language." she said simply "half an hour late. Again." She pointed out "And what happened to your face?"

"I walked into a fist, I think.." Jay explained wrinkling his brow at the distant memory "Sorry." Jay yawned

"Honestly. Wake up and get into cubicles, its busy this morning." Tess sighed "And if you could be on time tomorrow I would be grateful."

"Yes Ma'am." Jay saluted her and she rolled her eyes before leaving the room.

After he had bandaged a large second degree burn, taken a small child who had eaten a penny to x-ray, checked in on an old smelly drunk man with toe fungus and assisted with a minor RTA in resus Jay was becoming more and more aware that he hadn't bumped into Ruth all morning, surely she couldn't have been avoiding him that well. He had at least been expecting to get some dirty looks after their argument the day before.

"Where's Ruth today anyway?" Jay asked Charlie curiously as they stepped out of resus together.

"She's called in sick this morning." Charlie told him "We're rushed off our feet, sometimes it hard to notice how much of a difference one extra pair of hand makes until that pair of hands is no longer there." Charlie told Jay "Can you see to Mr Riley in cubicle seven?"

"Sure" Jay nodded he couldn't help but feel that something wasn't right.

Jay was beginning to worry more and more about Ruth as he sorted out Mr Riley's disgusting ear gunk, he decided he wouldn't be able to concentrate until he knew she was safe, something told him that the argument and her calling in sick weren't as unrelated as they seemed. So Jay waited until Noel disappeared before he headed over to the main computer. He typed 'Ruth Winters' into the search and selected her file. Quickly he noted down the address and slipped into the staffroom, grabbing his coat he snuck out of the department praying that Tess wouldn't catch him.

---

Ruth opened the door to her flat and slipped off her old trainers. She padded through into the sitting area and placed the bottle in her hand down on the table with a loud thunk. She examined the other contents of the table carefully as she knelt down. 128 paracetemol tablets and 62 anti depressants that she should have taken over the last two months but just couldn't bring herself too.

She was never going to be the surgeon she so desperately longed to be, she was beginning to doubt she would never even been a good doctor in any shape or form. She had no purpose, no friends, even Jay hated her. Her stomach lurched at the thought of Jay. He was the last person she ever saw herself with yet he drew her in, he cared, even if she couldn't talk to him properly, she knew he cared. Or she though he did… after his outburst the other day she was pretty sure he had had enough of her just like everyone else.

She looked back down at the pills, If this had worked for her mother there was surely no way it could fail for her. She was going to make sure she did it properly this time.


	4. Unexpected Visitors

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 4 - Unexpected Visitors**

Jay stepped out of the taxi and strode over to the doors to the block of unfamiliar flats, he read down the list of flat numbers and pressed the buzzer next to number 21 before waiting patiently for a response.

"Who is it?" Ruth's voice suddenly crackled into life a hint of suspicion in her voice.

"Its Jay." Jay told her "Charlie said you were off ill."

"I'm fine." Ruth replied dully "Its just flu. How did you find out where I live?"

"Staff records." Jay replied simply "I thought I'd come check your ok.."

"Why do you care?" Ruth replied harshly "You made you feelings perfectly clear yesterday."

"I can't just stop caring for you like that ok! Look can I just come in?" Jay asked hopefully Ruth paused for a few minutes "I'm sure you don't want to have this conversation on your doorstep for everyone to here."

"Just a minute." she eventually replied with a sigh. Jay heard some rustling before she spoke again "You can come up, let yourself in."

Jay opened the door which buzzed and headed up to the top floor following the signs for number 21. He reached her door and pushed it open.

"Ruth?" he asked a hint of nerves in his voice

"In here." She replied dully

Jay followed her voice and found Ruth cuddled up on her sofa.

"How are you?" Jay asked concerned as he perched on the edge of one of the cosy looking armchairs

"I'm ok" Ruth lied "Just got Flu."

"Its not like you to be off ill" Jay pointed out

"Well I am human." she replied irritably

Jay eyed her suspiciously. She didn't seem like she had flu but she didn't seem ok, she as much touchier than usual, even for Ruth, her face was much whiter and her hands were shaking.

"I'll make us a cup of coffee" Jay told her she opened her mouth as if she was going to protest "You sit there and I'll be back in a minute." He stood up and she sighed defeated.

He slipped out of the room taking one last look at Ruth who had now pulled her knees up to her chest, Jay had never seen her looking so defenceless and nervous. He headed towards the opened kitchen door but something caught his eye as he passed what he presumed to be Ruth's bedroom. He paused, debating for a moment if he should invade Ruth's privacy by snooping in her bedroom but concern flooded his mind and he decided just to take a quick look.

Jay wasn't prepared for that he saw next. As he pushed the door open his eyes fell on several packs of paracetemol and what appeared to be two half used jars of some sort of anti depressants. His stomach lurched as he spotted that half the packets were empty and that there was a half empty bottle of vodka laying next to them. He snatched up a couple of the packets and headed back onto the sitting room where Ruth was still curled up.

"How many have you taken?" Jay asked holding up several of the empty pill packets he had found on her bed.

"None" Ruth lied immediately opening one eye to glare at him

"Ruth…" Jay sighed

"I Dunno." Ruth shrugged, her head was becoming fuzzy and she blinked as Jay's head swam out of focus.

"Approximately?" Jay asked "Come on Ruth this is serious!"

"I.." Ruth started before her eyes rolled up into their sockets and her body fell limp, she slumped sideways off the sofa onto the carpet underneath.

"Ruth!" he jumped down to her side as her eyelids flickered "Don't do this to me!"


	5. Deliberate Accidents

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 5 - Deliberate Accidents**

Jay watched feeling completely powerless as Dixie and Jeff loaded Ruth into the ambulance.

"Come on mate." Jeff said patting Jay on the back reassuringly.

Jay bit back the tears that had been threatening to fall, He didn't cry, He shouldn't cry, he didn't even like Ruth, Did he? He climbed into the back of the ambulance with Dixie thoughts running through his head.

The journey was quiet. Jay didn't think Dixie and Jeff had ever been silent for so long. They eventually arrived at the ED after what had felt like hours even though it was only minutes.

Nick met them at the door. Jay only heard garbled words as Dixie explained Ruth's condition to Nick and Adam who had also joined them whist they headed to resus. Normally he found it easy to take in the information the paramedics gave but he felt like his brain had been stuffed with cotton wool.

Suddenly Jay found himself being pinned back by Jess as the trolley containing Ruth's lifeless form was pushed through the doors into Resus.

"Come on you know she's in the best hands." Jess comforted him.

Jay nodded his own head was buzzing, he felt like needles were stabbing through his chest.

"Here." Jess said directing him to a seat "Just take a minute and catch your breath."

"I need to make sure she's ok." Jay told Jess his voice rough. He immediately stood up pushing her off and headed into resus.

"Jay.." Jess started following him

Jay took in the sight as he entered Resus. Ruth was having her stomach pumped by Adam whilst Nick watched.

"Stop." Nick placed a hand on Jay's chest as he tried to approach the bed "If you are going to be in here you are going to stay out of the way!"

"Why aren't you doing anything?" Jay asked noticing how far back Nick was

"Adam is perfectly capable of doing a stomach pump, I'm here incase there are any complications." Nick replied simply

Soon Ruth had been stabilised and Tess had slipped on an oxygen mask and the IV drips had been set up. Jay felt like he was watching a movie, It could easily be a dream, he blinked a couple of times trying to make sure if what he was watching was real but each time his eyes flicked back open Ruth was still lying their hooked up to the drips looking paler and more fragile than Jay had ever seen her look before.

"She'll be fine" Adams voice suddenly interrupted Jay's thoughts "We've managed to pump most of the pills out, she's asleep now, hopefully she'll be awake soon. it's a good job you go to her when you did."

"She had more pills." Jay commented looking up at Adam "Loads… She was really going to do it"

"Definitely a good thing you found her when you did." he told Jay placing a hand on his shoulder

"I could have done more…" he said dully

"You couldn't, she wont let anyone close, She's a very closed off person. No one knew she was feeling this way the first time let alone the second time." Adam reassured him "Don't beat yourself up mate." he added before squeezing Jay's shoulder and heading out of the room.

Jay looked around and realised everyone else had gone, probably to spread the news that Ruth was ok or to grab a coffee.

He headed over to the bed and slipped his hand into hers. He stood there, watching the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest for a good ten minutes before he spoke.

"Why did you have to do this? You have so much to live for Ruth! Your clever, brave, an amazing doctor and so beautiful… Your way too good for me…" he said quietly "Didn't mean anything I said the other day, truth is I'm falling for you big time and it scares me because I know you might never feel the same way." He sighed sadly "Your not the only one with secrets, I just wish you could talk to me."

Suddenly he realised she was squeezing his hand and her eyes were flickering open.

"Ruth?" Jay asked as her eyes opened and looked around the room. "Your in the ED." He told her

She pulled her hand from his and started to try and get up.

"Hey, stay still, I'll get someone…" Jay started

Ruth pulled the drip from her arm and the oxygen face from her mask.

"No Ruth lie down!" Jay told her but she continued to get up.

Jay hit the alarm to call someone to help and grabbed her shoulders.

"Calm down." he said gently as Adam came through the door.

"Lie down Ruth, you know this wont do you any good." Adam told her calmly

"What going on?" she asked her voice sounded hoarse.

"You took a large dose of paracetemol apparently with some alcohol, Jay found you, we've pumped your stomach and given you some fluids to help. You are still at risk of liver or kidney damage so we will have to send you for a scan and you are going to be assed by one of the mental health team." Adam explained "But for now you need to rest and get some of the fluids in to your system."

"I'm fine." Ruth lied Jay could tell she looked scared, he guessed she didn't want to have anyone digging into her private life "It was an accident."

"Taking four paracetemol could be an accident, taking what appeared to be over forty is certainly not, especially when you took them with alcohol." Adam shook his head

"I hate you." she suddenly burst out "for gods sake just let me do this ok? Things will never get better."

Jay suddenly realised the tears he had been desperately holding in were rolling down his face.

"They will." he told her "Please Ruth don't talk like that, you have so much to live for..."

"You know nothing!" she screamed at Jay

"Calm down." Adam told Ruth grabbing her by the shoulders and gently pinning her to the bed. "Lie down and let me re attach the drip."

"What's the point?" Ruth asked bitterly

Jay reached across and grabbed her hand instinctively and squeezed it tightly.

"The point is that you have a future, a brilliant one at that, you just need to see it." Jay told her sadly

Ruth slumped back dejectedly Jay was still clasping her hand and showed no wish to let go any time soon. Tears were now streaming down his face and even Adam looked choked up. Ruth knew that they weren't going to let her out of their sight, not now.


	6. Silence

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 6 - Silence**

Jay had never seen anything so heart breaking. Her eyes were glazed over, her hair messy and her clothes ruffled. The girl in the bed barely resembled the smart and collected doctor her had been so used to working with.

"Hey."

She didn't respond.

"How are you?"

Still no response

"Everyone misses you"

Was she even alive still?

"I miss you"

She blinked but otherwise remained motionless

"I wish you'd talk to me."

She didn't move. Jay sighed and slipped his hand around hers.

"I know you don't believe me but I do like you Ruth."

"You don't."

Success!

"I do." Jay told her kissing her gently on the forehead. She flinched. "I have to go before Tess lynches me for skipping work but I'll come to see you later."

Ruth remained frozen as he slipped out of the room. Inside her head was still whirring. Tears of frustration began to slip down her cheeks. Suddenly the tears of frustration turned into full blown sobs and she pulled her knees up to her chest.

Every little thing that had happened to Ruth in the few short years of her life flashed through her mind like an old movie, her fathers drinking, her mothers death, the want to be different from her dad, the hard work, the nicknames, the loneliness, the suicide attempts, her sort of friendship with Toby, the crush on Mr Jordan, Jay… She just couldn't blank it all out anymore if felt like it was filling up her mind, invading every bit.

A Nurse had appeared and tried to slip her a couple of pills. She didn't want to take them, something told her she shouldn't. But the nurse forced a glass of water into her hand. Ruth tried to push it away angrily. It smashed. The nurse returned with another glass of water and gently helped her take the pills.

Ruth felt weak and helpless as the cold water slipped down her throat. She curled up in a ball and let the tears fall silently onto her pillow.

---

Adam watched Jay carefully as he stitched up the patient they had both been working on in Resus, he was worried about the usually cheerful nurse. Jay's personality seemed to have changed dramatically over night, Infact Adam was convinced he hadn't seen a genuine smile cross his face since he had found Ruth trying to kill herself.

He wondered for a moment why Jay had been around at Ruth's flat in the middle of his shift in the first place but he guessed it probably wasn't his place to stick his nose in. There was obviously something between the two and Adam pondered how Jay could be a positive affect on the young doctor who often tried to hard.

Jay's shoulders slouched dejectedly as he helped the patient, Adam had noticed the odd smile flittering across his pale lips every time it was necessary but it only lasted for a few seconds before the look of concentration returned, Infact his conversation was limited and his usually average work was almost perfect.

Adam watched as Jay finished up and waited until he was putting things away before approaching him.

"You alright mate?" Adam asked quietly

"Me? I'm Fine." Jay replied quickly

"The whole Ruth thing…" Adam started

"What about it?" He said casually

"If you want to talk to anyone my office is always open…" Adam told him

"Why would I need to talk? Its only Ruth…" Jay immediately felt guilty "She's alive and getting help." He added

"You still found her, whatever your relationship is, it cant have been easy I just wanted you to know…" Adam started

"Well I'm fine, I don't need to talk to anyone, there's nothing between us it was pure chance I found her…" Jay lied

"Ok fair enough, Just don't punish yourself for something you couldn't have prevented." Adam told him "And if there is something going on between the pair of you, good. Even if it is just a friendship don't give up on her, I think she needs all the support she can get, especially at the moment. She never wants to accept that she needs help even when she actually does." Adam added before he Jay to his own devices and the thoughts buzzing around his head.


	7. Hopeless

**Footsteps in the Dark**

**Chapter 7 - Hopeless**

Jay continued to visit Ruth each day and each day she spent most of the time pretending he wasn't there. The most he had gotten out of her so far was a death glare when he brought a bag of her stuff that he had gotten hold of up to the ward for her, he knew she'd talk eventually.

"Why don't you just go away!" Ruth suddenly burst out irritably shocking Jay from his thoughts, the six words made up the longest sentence Jay had gotten out of her in three days of visiting.

"No." Jay responded simply

They sat in an awkward silence for a good half an hour, Ruth staring at the curtain, Jay staring at his hands.

"I really don't want to be like this!" Ruth admitted suddenly breaking the awkward silence once more.

"I know you don't" Jay reassured her, thankful that his patience had finally paid off and she had decided to talk to him even a little bit.

"Its hard." Ruth confessed

"I know but I'm here and I care." Jay told her softly.

The awkward silence filled the cubicle again. As Ruth looked down at her hands.

"You wouldn't if you really knew me." Ruth said sadly

"I would bet you all the money in the world I would." Jay said reaching out and closing his warn hand around her cold one. "And I want to, please let me in Ruth."

"Cant." Ruth replied

"You can, please you can trust me." Jay squeezed her hand

Ruth didn't reply. She looked up at Jay and looked him directly in the eye.

"Stupid… Rotation… Useless… Alone… " were the only words Jay could make out as she mumbled a response.

"If the rotation is what this is all about it defiantly isn't the end of the world Ruth, I promise!" Jay told her gently "You are not stupid, you are not useless and I'm here, I wont let you go through this alone."

"I don't Jay please done lie to me, its hopeless." Ruth said in a hollow voice "I'm hopeless"

"It seems like there is something that your trying to make up for." Jay observed "Something that makes you want to be the best at everything?" Jay asked curiously

Ruth looked up surprised that he had hit the nail on the head in just a few sentences.

"Am I right?" Jay asked a lopsided smile crossing his face

Ruth nodded slightly

"I guess."

"But you don't want to go into details." Jay predicted

"Not really." Ruth sighed

Jay nodded, he accepted that Ruth would let him in in time, there was no point making her feel uncomfortable.

"I just have to say one more thing before I go." Jay looked her directly in the eyes

"What?" Ruth asked a hint of curiosity filling her otherwise dull voice.

"Think about it realistically. Who saves the most lives a day? A top ED doctor or a top neurosurgeon?" Jay said simply. "I'll be back tomorrow." he added squeezing her hand before he left the ward leaving her staring thoughtfully after him.


	8. Coffee Break

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 8 - Coffee break **

Ruth watched Jay suspiciously out of the corner of her eye. What was he talking to that nurse about? was he plotting something? Suddenly she noticed he was coming over, she quickly adverted her gaze.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as he sat down

"Ok." Ruth replied dully

"Look, please don't kill me ok? But I asked the nurse in charge and she said you can go for a bit of a walk today if you want?" Jay told Ruth "I thought you might like to get out of here for a bit?"

"That's… thoughtful." Ruth let a small smile creep across her face "Thanks!"

"Come on then, grab your dressing gown I'll treat you to a coffee." Jay smiled "if you'll let me?" he added nervously

"I might do." Ruth suddenly looked a bit brighter, she slipped out of bed and pulled on her dressing gown.

Jay slipped his hand into hers and squeezed it reassuringly. She looked like she might be about to protest but then suddenly Jay felt her squeezing back. He smiled. They wandered down the corridor in a comfortable silence. Ruth suddenly realised she had not felt this carefree in a long time. Jay lead her into the canteen and ordered them each a coffee, they then pulled up a couple of chairs at one of the old chipped tables and sat down.

Jay decided to break the silence and began telling Ruth about all sorts of rubbish, from his Nan's knitting to work, he kept it light and gave Ruth plenty of chance to join in if she had wanted too. She didn't, but he swore she smiled when he told her about the rather lurid salmon pink jumper his Nan had knitted him earlier in the week.

"I probably should get you back before they think I've run off with you." Jay suddenly pointed out as he checked his watch. He offered Ruth his hand, which she accepted and he lead her out of the canteen. They had only gotten so far before Ruth suddenly stopped.

"You ok?" Jay asked concerned

"Yeah." Ruth nodded "I just wanted to say, thank you."

"Its ok." Jay smiled

"You surprised me." Ruth blurted out

"Really?" he raised an eyebrow slightly

"Yeah" She nodded

"I hope that I surprised you in a good way?" Jay asked

"Of course." She nodded again

"Good."

Silence. The walked a little further before Ruth stopped them again.

"You were right you know."

"Was I?" Jay looked surprised at this sudden confession "About what?"

"About everything." Ruth confessed

"Makes a change" Jay smiled as the began walking again

Ruth stopped a third time. Turning to face Jay and look in his eyes. Jay felt as if she was scanning him, her eyes reading his like a book, checking he was trust worthy enough.

"My mum." Ruth suddenly said breaking eye contact and looked down at her feet. "I couldn't save her." tears were suddenly pouring down her face and she found her face buried in Jay's shirt.

Jay was shocked by the sudden confession but he wrapped her in a deep hug and just held her while she sobbed. Eventually the sobs subsided and Jay was just holding an exhausted Ruth to his chest.

"Here." He produced a tissue from his pocket, Ruth nodded slightly, Jay took it as a thank you. He took her other hand a held it tightly. "You can trust me."

"I know." Ruth admitted

Jay hid a smile.

They continued walking in silence, hand in hand, towards the ward.


	9. A Place to Stay

**Footsteps in the Dark**

**Chapter 9 - A Place to Stay**

Ruth didn't want to admit it but she was actually pleased to see Jay the next day.

"How are you doing?" Jay asked sitting down on the chair in his wrinkled scrubs obviously tired after a long shift

"Good." Ruth replied simply "Busy day?"

"Yeah" Jay sighed "Massive RTA involving a minibus, a lorry and a car driven by a drunk driver.

"I wish I could have been there…" Ruth said wistfully, wishing she could have been involved in the challenge of saving all those lives

"You work too hard. Even now you want to work!" Jay shook his head

"I like working hard." Ruth protested

"Only because it distracts you." Jay stated

Ruth paused for a second before shrugging

"Guess so."

"Though I bet your bored out of your mind in here." Jay guessed

"Yeah I am." Ruth nodded "I just wish I could have one text book with me…"

"You can't be serious…" Jay looked shocked at the idea of being in hospital and doing work.

"I told you I like working hard" Ruth shook her head "Anyway I can get out soon." she admitted "My organs are functioning properly so They said once I've been on the anti-depressants for a few days and they have sorted me out with a long term counsellor I can leave." She grimaced at the thought of a counsellor "but they don't want me to live on my own, not for a month or so. I might ask Toby if I can go a stay with him but then I have to tell him about this…" she sighed

"Haven't you got any family you could get in touch with?" Jay suggested

"No." She replied immediately "Well I do have some family, I just don't want to ever get in touch with them." she added going visibly pale as she thought of her father and brother.

Jay resisted the temptation to ask where her Dad was if her Mum was dead but he decided it was probably better to leave it to Ruth to decide if she wanted to tell him, especially since it was obvious he was not around either.

"I know you probably wouldn't consider it and you'll probably kill me for suggesting it but there's a spare bed at mine for a month or so?" Jay admitted

"Is it your bed?" Ruth asked suspiciously

"No!" Jay laughed "My sister Leila is away at university."

"Oh" Ruth nodded "I guess its an option. I don't want to be here much longer and its either Toby's or your's, I don't really have anywhere else to go…"

"The offer is always there." Jay smiled

-

Ruth tapped her fingers irritably on the edge of her bedside table. She had been waiting for a good half an hour for the counsellor who she was supposed to be beginning to see twice weekly to come and see her. The anti-depressants had lifted her mood slightly just like they had before but she still had urges that she was sure she wasn't supposed to have most involving throwing them down the toilet or taking a large overdose of paracetemol and doing it properly this time. She guessed this was why she had to talk to someone too, because the anti depressants alone were a cure for those sorts of thoughts that niggled away at the back of her mind.

A cheerful voice suddenly interrupted Ruth's thoughts, she looked up to see a youngish woman, she appeared to be no older than thirty-five, her hair was a light hazel brown and her eyes were a curious shade a blue. She seemed way to happy in Ruth's opinion. She introduced herself as Liz and explained that she was to become Ruth's counsellor for the next month or so. Ruth shook her hand but just nodded along as she explained that the sessions were supposed to allow her to open up and talk through the emotions that she was struggling with and to allow her to assess her condition and work out if and when she would be stable enough to return to work.

To Ruth's relief she didn't hang around much longer, she passed Ruth a piece of paper with her appointment time and directions to her office on it before she headed off out of the ward her cheery smile still splashed across her face. Ruth scowled but the scowl was replaced with a small smile as Jay entered the ward in his scrubs, Ruth hated to admit it but he looked cute.

"Hey Princess." he lent down and kissed her forehead she winced a little but didn't push him off.

"Aren't you supposed to be at work" Ruth pointed out

"Yeah but I wanted to come see if you'd seen that counsellor yet?" Jay smiled

"Yeah she just left." Ruth replied

"Is she nice?" Jay asked

"Nice enough." Ruth nodded "At least now I can get out of here, Can you still put me up?"

"Of course, I asked Nan and she's fine with it, an extra person wont make a difference to her." Jay shrugged

"I'm not a good person to live with…" Ruth started nervously

"I don't care." Jay interrupted her "I want to make sure you've got all the support you need."

"I don't need support…" Ruth protested

"You do." Jay told her "Your just convinced you don't because you've been alone so long."

"I don't need anyone." Ruth replied folding her arms stubbornly

"Yeah right." Jay shook his head "I best go before Tess finds me and yells at me."

"You wont tell them where you were…" Ruth started worriedly

"Wouldn't dare." Jay winked as he left and Ruth rolled her eyes.


	10. Cat flaps

**Footsteps in the Dark**

**Chapter 10 - Cat flaps **

"Are you sure this is going to be ok?" Ruth asked Jay nervously looking up from the bottle of anti depressants she had been rolling between her fingers nervously.

"For the seventh time, Yes." Jay replied shaking his head.

"You will let me do what I want when I want wont you?" Ruth looked up at him.

"Unless that involves pills, wire or razors? Sure." Jay grinned slightly and Ruth rolled her eyes turning her attention back to the bottle of anti depressants.

"Your family defiantly doesn't mind?" she asked once more.

"I've told you a million times already of course they don't." Jay watched her fiddling.

"I don't expect anything from you." Ruth told him simply

"I wasn't going to give you anything other than a bed" Jay shrugged

"This doesn't mean we are in any form of relationship" Ruth pointed out

"Why would it?" Jay rolled his eyes

"You wont tell anyone at work?" Ruth asked looking back up at him nervously.

"Your not allowed back until you've been given the all clear by the Psych so why would it matter anyway?" Jay pointed out

"don't rub it in!" Ruth snapped

"I'm not." Jay smirked

"Why do you Nurses always take forever to do every little job?" Ruth sighed Irritably.

"We don't!" Jay protested.

It was two days later, Ruth was packed, fully dressed and getting fidgety as she waited for the Nurse to bring the discharge forms.

"Always said nurses were useless." Ruth said deliberately to annoy Jay

"Do you want to stay here?" Jay smirked

"Of course not!" Ruth replied with a sigh.

The Nurse finally appeared with the discharge forms and Ruth signed them all quickly, eager to leave even if she did have to go back to Jay's house. The taxi journey was silent. The friendly banter in the hospital room had finished the second Ruth signed the forms. Jay knew she was nervous, she was doing the little finger tapping he had noticed she did whenever she couldn't work out what to do with a patient. He smiled to himself. There were so many things he loved about Ruth, her little mannerisms were definitely up there.

"We're here." Jay announced as they pulled up outside the pretty well kept house. Ruth peered out of the window nervously taking in her home for the next few weeks.

Jay's family were obviously not rich but they were obviously not poor either. The four bed roomed house looked friendly and welcoming.

Jay paid the taxi driver and helped Ruth out before lifting her suitcase out of the boot. He slammed it shut and started to head towards the house. Suddenly he realised she had grabbed his free hand nervously. He smiled a little but didn't make a fuss as he led her up to the front door.

She let go as they reached the steps and he used his now free hand to pull his key out of his pocket and let them in.

"Jay is that you?" a kind voice asked from the kitchen

"Yes Nan." Jay replied as his Nan appeared from the kitchen

"You must be Ruth." She smiled kindly "You can call me Mary."

"Nice to meet you." Ruth said nervously taking in her pretty floral skirt, baking apron and crisp white blouse. She was quite a lot shorter than Jay and showed signs of once being a very beautiful lady. Her skin was slightly tanned and although her neatly tied up hair was greying it could easily have once been the same shade as her grandson's. The one feature that Ruth was immediately drawn too was her eyes, she had the same dark gentle eyes as Jay although hers lacked the sparkle of mischief Ruth had often spotted in his.

"Its nice to have you staying with us even if it isn't for the best of reasons." Jay's Nan smiled as Ruth gave Jay a death glare wondering what he'd been saying. "I've cooked us all a nice Roast dinner, I'm sure you need a good meal after all that hospital food!"

"You don't have to…" Ruth tried to protest

"Nonsense, It'll be ready in half an hour, Ellie is due back about then too." She told Ruth "Jay why don't you show our guest up to her room?" she added "and do something about your hair you look like you tried to come in through the cat flap again." she added with a scowl.

"Sorry…" Jay apologised as his Nan who headed back into the kitchen as he ran his fingers through his messy hair

"What did you tell her?" Ruth hissed angrily

"That you'd been ill in hospital." Jay shrugged "I didn't go into detail, I just said that you lived alone and needed some time to rest and get better."

Ruth's shoulders visibly relaxed.

"What did she mean about coming in the cat flap?" she asked curiously feeling a little bit more relaxed.

"I drank a bit too much on a night out when I was about eighteen and lost my key so when I came home I tried to fit through the cat flap, apparently Nan found me snoring loudly with my arm wedged in it the next morning…" Jay smiled blushing a little, Ruth laughed. "Here this is Leila's room." He added distracting her from his drunken antics, he opened the third door off the landing and flicked the light switch illuminating a pale purple room.

"Thanks." Ruth nodded

"You can leave your bag here and we'll go down to get some dinner, Nan's cooking is legendary." Jay told her

Ruth followed him silently downstairs and he pointed out a place she could sit at the table while he went to help his Nan serve the food.

Ruth examined the little dining room curiously, It was decorated with a pretty floral wall paper, there was a six person table with matching chairs, there was a old fashion dresser on one side of the room and a window with lace curtains at the other. The table she was sat at was covered by a simple floral print table cloth., Placemats neatly arranged, very far from her child hood home where a family dinner meant sitting in front of the TV with trays on your lap, the kitchen table would have barely sat her and Jonathon let alone all four of them. Ruth's thoughts were interrupted by a Pretty girl with long curly dark brown hair and eyes identical to Jay's entering the room.

"Hey you must be Ruth" she smiled "I'm Ellie."

"Nice to meet you." Ruth replied nervously

"Have you seen my idiot brother?" Ellie asked

"He's in the kitchen I think." Ruth replied

"Actually he's behind you." Jay's voice interrupted the conversation, Ellie hit him playfully across the back of the head. "Ouch!"

"Did you take my last galaxy bar?" she asked

"Might have" she hit him around the head again

"Will you two ever grown up?" Jay's Nan asked as she entered thr room rolling her eyes at the pair of them

"Sorry Nan." Ellie smiled taking her seat at the table as Jay placed one of the plates he was holding in front of Ruth.

Ruth wished her relationship with her family was a simple as Jay's, the arguments with her brother were usually over him stealing something or threatening someone he shouldn't have, not missing bars of chocolate. She looked down at the meal in front of her. The food looked wonderful, perfectly golden roast potatoes, perfectly cooked chicken with gravy, fresh looking new potatoes, hand peeled and chopped vegetables. Ruth wasn't sure she had ever seen such a well prepared roast dinner.

Jay sat down next to Ruth and his Nan joined them. They tucked in and Ruth listened to them talking, the subject switching from Ellie's A levels - which Ruth learnt she wasn't revising enough for, on to who was going to pick Jay's youngest sister, River, up from school later that day - Ellie finally took on that job, to Jay needing to fix the bathroom tap - which he had apparently promised to do a good month ago. Once the meal was over Ellie took the dishes out and Ruth excused herself to go and settle in to her new room. Jay followed her up and knocked on the closed door.

"Come in" Ruth replied looking up

"Its only me, Just let me know if you need anything ok?" Jay smiled

"I will, thanks." Ruth nodded "Oh and Jay?"

"Yeah?" Jay asked

"Thanks for putting me up." Ruth said bluntly

"No problem." Jay winked before shutting the door and leaving her too it.


	11. Not so different

**Footsteps in the Dark**

**Chapter 11 - Not so different **

Living in a family house hadn't changed Ruth at all. She spent a lot of time alone in her room, usually flicking through medical journals, notes or books. Jay would pop in occasionally just to check she was ok but otherwise he quickly realised it was best to leave it up to her to decide if she wanted to talk to someone or not. She actively avoided Jay's family most of the time, partly because she was scared she'd make an idiot of herself, partially because she liked being alone. She didn't want to feel like she owed them more than she already did.

Ruth had been living at Jay's for a week when she heard a knock on the door, looked up from the medical text book she had been reading curiously, She knew Jay was at work and his younger sisters were at school and college, his Nan was the only other person about in the daytime but she usually left her to her own devices after Jay had asked her too.

"Sorry to interrupt you love." Jay's Nan said as her head popped round the door "I don't suppose you could spare five minutes to give me a hand with something, the old joints aren't as good as they used to be!" she laughed slightly

"Sure." Ruth agreed nervously, she hadn't really talked to Jay's Nan without Jay himself being present before.

"Thanks dear." Jay's Nan smiled

Ruth put her book down and followed the friendly older woman downstairs. She showed her the plates and dishes that needed to go on the top self of the cupboard and Ruth immediately stepped up on the stool and set to work putting them away neatly.

"Jay said you had no family." Jay's Nan asked curiously as Ruth worked

"I do, they're just… not very nice people." Ruth said awkwardly slipping a bowl on the top of the pile.

"Fair enough" Jay's Nan smiled as she passed Ruth the next plate "Jay's talked about you before." His Nan admitted

"Really?" Ruth asked curiously

"He's quite taken by you." She informed Ruth

"Is he?" Ruth looked down from the stool

"Oh yes, he's not said much but you can tell by how he talks, normally when he talks about his girlfriends there's all this bravado and he usually only mentions them for a week or so but with you… its different." Jay's Nan told Ruth "You've definitely been good for him." Ruth smiled slightly

"He's been good for me too." Ruth mumbled blushing a little "He's been a good friend." she slipped the last plate into place and stepped down. "I need to get back to my revision…"

"You work too much dear, you need to let your hair down a bit more." Jay's Nan smiled

"I know but I want to do well whatever area I end up working in." Ruth told her fiddling with a loose thread on her sleeve.

"Well don't stress yourself out over it." Jay's Nan told her

"I wont." Ruth lied as she slipped out of the room and padded back upstairs to her bedroom.

She had finished the medical book and had switched to writing in her Diary by five o'clock when Jay returned and burst into her room.

"Hey!" Ruth said angrily quickly slipping her Diary under her pillow.

"I heard Nan's been getting you doing chores today." He smiled sitting down on the bed next to her ignoring the anger flashing through her eyes.

"Why didn't you knock?" Ruth asked grumpily

"Because I have some good news!" Jay smiled ignoring her scowl "I think you'll be getting a phone call off Mr Jordan soon." he told Ruth who's expression brightened

"Really?" Ruth asked excitement taking over from her anger

"I was snooping about the staffroom…" Jay started

"Do you ever do any work?" Ruth jumped in

"Actually yes I do, but as I was saying I was snooping about the staffroom, He was discussing with Adam the best course of action and Adam was telling him that getting you back into work sooner rather than later would probably be best because… you're, and I quote 'a little bit of over obsessive' and the time off will 'only make you more stressed' he mentioned staying on anti depressants and keeping up counselling sessions but coming back to file duties and non clinical stuff…" Jay explained

"Urgh not again…" Ruth grimaced at the thought of being in charge of sorting patients files and other non clinical work. "But it could be worse I guess…"

"look on the Bright side!" Jay smiled

"What?" Ruth asked

"You get to work with me again!"

"Oh Joy I think I'd take being sacked over that!" Ruth laughed as Jay punched her playfully.

"Anyways I thought you might like to know…" he nodded "I'll get lost now…"

Ruth paused for a second watching him head towards the door.

"Don't go." She mumbled Jay looked back at her

"What?" Jay asked turning back around

"Never mind…" Ruth sighed

"No you wanted me to stay, is something up?" Jay asked sitting back down

"Not really." Ruth shrugged "I just felt like talking for a bit."

"Well why didn't you say?" Jay wrapped an arm loosely round her shoulders, she tensed up a bit.

"Because…" Ruth mumbled

"Hey, what's up?" Jay asked

"Nothing… I just feel like I'm being a complete waste of space…" Ruth sighed

"Your not a waste of space." Jay reassured her

"I want to get back to work." Ruth looked down at her hands "I know I might not ever be a surgeon, but you were right when you said that ED doctors save more lives…" Ruth said thoughtfully "I don't know where I will end up but I want to do my best."

"You always do." Jay smiled

"Seriously Jay." Ruth looked up at him

"I know." Jay squeezed her shoulder gently

There was a brief silence between them but it wasn't awkward for a change, Jay just sat there his arm around her shoulders.

"I want to help people I'm just useless at talking to people…" Ruth sighed leaning her head on Jay's shoulder.

"Your talking to me now aren't you?" Jay pointed out

"Well yeah… its different" Ruth told him tracing a circle on his arm gently, the feeling of her fingertip on his skin sending shivers down his spine.

"I wish I knew what was so bad in your past that you shut yourself off from the world and turned to hard work and that bitter front of yours" Jay suddenly said "And I wish I could make it all go away."

Ruth looked up at him her eyes full of tears.

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me, it is probably better to keep it that way." she told him simply

"Well its up to you, if you need to talk I'm always going to be here." Jay squeezed her tightly

"I know." Ruth wiped a stray tear

Jay kissed the top of her head gently.

"Where are your parents?" Ruth asked suddenly curiosity getting the better of her

"I know my Father lives in London, we haven't seen him since Ellie was born. God knows where Mum is but she isn't allowed in this house." Jay admitted "Nan threw her out and after she left River on the doorstep she wont even consider talking to her ever again."

"That must be…" Ruth said trying to think what to say

"Normal." Jay interrupted her "I've not really know any different, Nan has always been the person who has taken care of me and my sisters so the fact my father would rather not be part of the family and the fact my mother is happier spending all her money on drugs than on her kids has never bothered me…"

"Really?"

"Yeah." Jay nodded "You just learn to deal with it."

"Or not." Ruth said sadly

Jay hugged her

"I'm a joker, you're a bitch everyone deals with things differently." he reassured her

"I'm not sure if I should be offended…" Ruth mumbled into his chest

"Please don't be, I don't like being on the end of that attitude of yours!" Jay squeezed her tightly.

"We're not so different really are we?" Ruth asked looking up into Jay's eyes

"No, I don't think we are." Jay said kissing the top of her head


	12. Family

**Footsteps in the Dark**

**Chapter 12 - Family**

Jay was right as always, a couple of days later Ruth received the phone call from Mr Jordan saying that she could return in a couple of weeks. Her mood greatly improved once she knew she was going back to work soon, she was quite excited and had started doing a little more revision. Her and Jay were slowly growing closer, Ruth was beginning to see a side of him and his life that she had never expected to see, Yes he was cheeky but he also had a very sensitive and caring side. What she really hadn't expect to see was the responsible side to his character. He would often play with River or help her with homework, Ruth had noticed how he was a brother but also a father to his youngest sister and she really admired him for it, her brother had always been just as bad at being a role model as her dad was.

It was a Saturday evening, Jay was still at work but was due back soon and his Nan had invited Ruth down to join them watching television, Ruth had said yes simply because she was bored but now she wasn't so sure if she should have joined them or not. Jay's Nan had headed into the kitchen to make some hot chocolate and Ruth had been left alone with Jay's youngest sister River.

"I like your hair." River smiled from her place on the floor where she had been lying watching the television. "You look really pretty."

"Thanks" Ruth mumbled nervously, she'd never been very good with kids and she usually avoided the seven year old.

"Why are you so sad?" River asked getting up from the carpet and sitting next to Ruth, her innocent blue eyes felt like they were reading Ruth.

"I'm not sad, I'm just thinking." Ruth told her with a small smile

"Your happier when Jay is here." River observed

"Your brother likes to spend his time cheering me up." Ruth admitted

"I like my brother." River smiled

"I like your brother too." Ruth agreed

"Why are you staying with us?" River asked curiously

"Because I wasn't very well, I was in hospital and I couldn't go and stay with my own family because they aren't very nice, so when I got out so your brother offered to let me come and stay with you." Ruth told the little girl, she wondered why she found it so easy telling River things she normally would have lied about to anyone else.

"My mum isn't very nice." River told Ruth "Nan says she doesn't deserve to be part of our family."

"Really?" Ruth asked

"Yeah, she's a bad person. She wont look after us because she likes her drugs more." River said wisely

"My dad is the same." Ruth admitted

"Really?" River looked up with her big eyes

"He was a very nasty person." Ruth blinked back tears "He didn't look after me or my brother because he drunk a lot of alcohol."

"How are my two favourite ladies?" Jay's familiar voice interrupted the conversation said from the door way.

"Jay!" River squealed jumping of the sofa and hugging her big brother.

Ruth smiled a little and wiped away a stray tear.

"You ok Ruth?" Jay asked noticing her eyes full of tears

"Yeah, just fine." She nodded wondering how much of her conversation with River he had heard.

"Ruth missed you." River smiled cheekily taking up her place on the floor again

"I didn't say that.." Ruth blushed

"Of course you didn't" Jay laughed as his Nan re-appeared with the hot chocolates

"Good timing as always." She said to Jay laying the tray down on the table and sitting back down on her favourite chair.

Jay joined Ruth on the sofa and helped himself to a cup of hot chocolate while River helped herself to a mug and flicked the television over. Ruth picked up her own mug and sipped thoughtfully.

They had been watching television for another half an hour, A cheerful cartoon was blaring out. Ruth had finished her hot chocolate and placed the mug back on the tray. She felt a warm fuzzy feeling in her stomach as she looked from Jay, to River, to his Nan. Sure Jay's family wasn't perfect but it was loving. Something her own family had never been. Looking back on it even her mother wasn't that brilliant, she never protected Ruth from her father. She could almost smell the stale beer and cigarettes, she could almost taste the blood filling her mouth as his fist collided with her face, she could feel her cheeks flushing as her brother beat up the kids that approached her, she could feel the disappointment flooded her as she received yet another knock off Christmas present, she was shaking her mother pleading with her to wake up. Ruth didn't notice the tears that were suddenly pouring down her face.

Jay was watching Ruth worriedly, her eyes were blank but tears were pouring down her face. His Nan had just taken River up to bed. He had just turned to Ruth to ask if she wanted another cup of hot chocolate when he noticed the blank expression. He tried gently shaking her but she seemed consumed by her thoughts.

"Ruth!" he shook her a bit harder this time and her eyes flickered, her face was pale and clammy and she was shaking. "Hey, What's up? Ruth? Talk to me Ruth!"

Her eyes flickered again and she snapped out of the trance. She stood up and hurried out of the room, her stomach churning.

Jay followed her up to the bathroom where she dropped to her knees and threw up in the toilet. He gently held her hair back, rubbing her arm as he crouched down next to her.

"Are you ok?" he asked worriedly

"Yeah." Ruth finally mumbled "Just thinking of stuff."

"What sort of stuff." Jay asked as he sat down next to her.

"Bad stuff." Ruth mumbled

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jay asked

Ruth shook her head then looked up into Jay's eyes considering him for a second.

"Its ok you don't have to." he wrapped an arm around her.

"I was thinking about my own family." she suddenly

"Are they that bad?" Jay asked gently

"Yes." Ruth replied simply

She paused for a minute then pulled away from Jay and fiddled with her fingers nervously.

"My Dad was an alcoholic, still is as far as I know." She mumbled suddenly "My brother Jonathon, he's a criminal, he has always looked out for me but he's always done it with violence, he learnt that from Dad, he was often quite violent when we was drunk…" Ruth looked embarrassed "Mum. Mum's death was no accident… she killed herself, I found her. I tried to wake her up, I really did, I called an ambulance too but she died in my arms."

Jay didn't really know what to say he just put both arms back around her and hugged her close.

"You deserve so much better." he mumbled eventually his own eyes filled with tears.

"Do I really?" Ruth asked "Its not like I'm much better…"

"You are." Jay said tears suddenly pouring down his own face "You've just been through so much and had no one there to show you who you can really be."

"Who am I then if I'm not a failure like them?" Ruth pondered "I couldn't even kill myself properly."

"Your Ruth Winters, genuinely good person, brilliant doctor, extremely smart student and more importantly my friend." He said and Ruth looked up at him. "I'm glad you couldn't kill yourself because I don't want you too. I couldn't imagine my life without you in it." he admitted

Ruth burst into tears and sobbed against his chest. Jay held her close.

"Thank you." She mumbled simply.


	13. Compliments and Glares

**Footsteps in the Dark**

******Chapter 13 - Compliments and Glares. **

Ruth stepped off the Bus and nervously looked up at the busy emergency department. The last week had passed in a blur of revision, nerves and time spent with Jay. She was ready to come back to work but at the same time she wasn't. She was torn in two different directions, she was so desperate to get back into the swing of things but there was a sinking feeling in her stomach, what if she wasn't good enough? What if she failed a third time?

"You ok?" Jay asked gently spotting the look of concentration on her face.

"Yeah fine, I cant wait to get back to work." Ruth smiled slightly snapping out of her thoughts.

"Strange girl" Jay laughed ruffling her hair affectionately.

"Oi!" Ruth punched him playfully but then stepped back a little "Just remember…"

"Were not friends, never have been, never will be, what happens outside work stays outside of work." Jay rolled his eyes "Etc, Etc, Etc…"

"Well I'll see you later Nurse Faldren." Ruth said in the voice Jay never thought he'd hear her use again

"Later Doctor Winters." He added sadly as she hurried inside.

Ruth stepped into the department and looked around herself nervously. She wished for a moment she had Jay there to hold her hand but she mentally slapped herself. Rule number 2 - no relationships. Not at work anyway. It screwed everything up. She may have grown closer to Jay over the past week after she had admitted to him about her past but that didn't mean she had to ruin her career.

"Ruth!" Adam smiled as he spotted her entering the department "Nice to see you back!" She forced a small smile "I think Nick wants a word with you before you start."

"Thanks Adam." Ruth said nervously. She headed towards the lifts, politely responding almost automatically to any of the nurses or doctors who said hello on her way.

She nervously fiddled with her sleeves as she headed up to Mr Jordan's office. She looked up at the familiar door and nervously tapped on it.

"Come in."

Ruth took a deep breath and turned the door handle.

"Ruth." he said looking up from the computer where he had been reading something intently.

"Mr Jordan." Ruth replied cautiously

"How are you feeling?" he asked bluntly as he leant back in his chair

Ruth couldn't help but feel awkward with the idea of discussing anything let alone anything about her private life with the older Doctor who she had slept with only a few months ago.

"Fine" she swallowed nervously "Glad to be back." she added truthfully.

"We're glad to have you back although I'm sure you understand why we can't put you straight back into clinical work." He said simply tapping his finger on the desk as he observed the young F2.

"I get it." Ruth nodded looking slightly put out.

"You are welcome to observe any interesting cases though." he added thoughtfully remembering her thirst for knowledge and experience.

"Thanks." Ruth felt her heart sink observing something was never going to be the same as doing it.

"Ruth?"

She looked up from her hands. Where her eyes had settled.

"Yeah?"

"Is there anything you would like to talk about?" He quizzed gently as he observed the change in her facial expression.

"Not really." Ruth shrugged looking into his eyes which appeared to be trying to read her like she was some sort of medical journal that needed deciphering.

"Your not nervous about being back?" he knew she would never talk properly about what was troubling her, not to him anyway.

"Not really." she lied looking down at her feet suddenly finding her shoes particularly interesting.

"Really?" he raised and eyebrow and she looked up.

"Maybe a little." she shrugged.

"I suspected as much." He nodded slightly "You are allowed to be nervous sometimes. But we both know you'll be just fine, you could do the non clinical duties in your sleep."

"I know."

"Take care of yourself." He said softly a small smile flickering across his tired face, Ruth looked into his eyes. "you have potential to be a brilliant doctor, just relax but and don't put so much pressure on yourself."

"Thanks Mr Jordan." Ruth smiled slightly

"You can call me Nick you know" Nick nodded

"I know but its not very professional" Ruth shrugged

"No its not but right now this isn't a very professional conversation." Nick pointed out

"I guess." Ruth agreed with a shrug

"I hope you can consider me as a someone to talk too." Nick said gently

Ruth shrugged in response and shuffled her feet slightly

"If you need to talk to someone, please come to me, about anything ok?" She nodded hesitantly and a genuine smile crossed his face. "One last thing."

"What?" Ruth asked wondering what he was going to say

"This time round make sure you spend some time with some of your other colleagues you'll be surprised to find out how much they actually care about you and want to help you." He said simply "Its ok to be alone sometimes but there is no I in Team." Nick smiled wisely picking up some papers and tapping them on his desk so they fell into a neat pile.

"I'll try." Ruth smiled slightly as she left the office.

-

Filing patients notes was hardly rocket science, Ruth sighed as she slipped the twenty third file into the filing cabinet. She had easily settled back into non clinical duties or 'running around after the other doctors' as she had decided. It was almost second nature too her after the month or so she had spent doing it just over a year ago.

She decided the best option was to avoid Jay, and she was surprised how well she had managed to do exactly that… sticking her head into the filing cabinet, ducking into the staffroom or Charlie's office… She felt a jolt of guilt every time she avoided him, but she tried to ignore it. Ruth didn't actually exchange even a glance let alone two words with Jay until two hours before the end of her shift when she slipped into Resus to observe Adam treating a patient, more because she was bored than because it was a case that was interesting to her.

"Alright?" Jay mumbled as he walked passed Ruth holding some of the equipment needed.

"Bored." Ruth mumbled in return and he smiled slightly before continuing with his work like she wasn't there.

Ruth cursed mentally she wasn't supposed to be talking to Jay. Not at work. Rule number 2. He came passed her again and winked so she glared at him. He looked like a dagger had been pushed through his heart, but he shrugged it off and carried on. Ruth suddenly felt extremely guilty. A sudden realisation flooded her about exactly how important to her Jay had actually become to her in the past few weeks. But then little voice in her head said she had to keep being professional, this was work, she wanted to be the best didn't she? She could easily talk to him at home.

Jay looked over at her once more. She gave him a cold glare and headed back out to the reception feeling a horrible tingling in her stomach, unable to decide if it was guilt or something else she settled back into doing the files for the last hour and a half of her shift.

It wasn't long until Ruth's first shift back was over. She had changed into a hoody, some jeans and a pair of worn converse and was now debating on finding Jay to apologise but she didn't have to try to find him because as she looked up he was stood with a couple of the other members of staff barely a metre away, he spotted her and smiled slightly. Ruth wondered what he was plotting because he had that thoughtful look on his face he displayed whenever he was about to try and ask her something. She narrowed her eyes slightly as he waved her over.

"We're going to the pub." He told Ruth as she joined the group "Why Don't you come too? Celebrate your first day back!"

"I cant.." Ruth said looking at the rest of the group nervously

"Come on Ruth let your hair down!" Jay smiled "She should come for a drink shouldn't she Dixie?" he turned to the friendly paramedic

"Yeah come on love." Dixie agreed "Your more than welcome."

"Oh ok.." Ruth sighed remembering what Nick had said that morning about getting to know the others "Just one."

"Come on then its beer o'clock!" Jeff said with a laugh leading the group towards the exit.

Ruth followed nervously next to Jay who had to resist grabbing her hand and squeezing it to reassure her it would be ok.

The various members of hospital staff entered the local pub, Jeff and Dixie were immediately greeted by the barman as old friends. Ruth glanced around her, she had been to the pub a couple of times but it was still a new location to her its worn seats and typical old fashioned décor was cosy and welcoming after a busy day in the bright, bustling emergency department.

"I'll get the drinks in!" Jeff smiled before taking orders from the other six members of staff turning to Ruth last "How about you Ruth?" he asked as the others started to settle themselves in a booth.

"Vodka and Coke please." Ruth said politely deciding to let her hair down a little.

"No problem sweetheart, why don't you join the others love?" he added nodding towards the others as he noticed Ruth looking a bit awkward with the whole situation.

"Yeah." She nodded before slipping into the booth next to Zoe.

"Its nice to see you out again Ruth." Zoe said with a smile Ruth nodded nervously "How are things going?"

"Ok thanks." Ruth said nervously

"Good." Zoe smiled "I'm glad, you're a good little doctor and you could go a long way."

"Thanks" Ruth said a big smile crossing her face, Jay winked at her from across the table. She tried not to blush.

"Yeah she's right." Adam joined in "You've got a lot of potential Ruth." he added as Jeff brought a tray of drinks over. "Just what the doctor ordered!" He said cheerfully helping himself to a pint.

Ruth smiled to herself. She caught Jay's eye for a second and then glanced away. Blushing.

The conversation switched from random subject to random subject. Ruth didn't want to admit it but she was beginning to enjoy herself as she listened to the friendly banter between Dixie and Jeff. Adam and Jess had gone to the bar and Polly was talking to some guy she apparently knew from university a few feet from them. Zoe was sipping on her drink lost in her thoughts whilst Jeff and Dixie argued over who was going to cook their tea. Ruth finished her drink and nipped over to the toilets.

She finished drying her hands and stepped out the door only to come face to face with Jay.

"You having a good time?" he asked with a small smile

"Yeah I could do with going soon though." Ruth said looking up at him the corridor was quite tight and she was practically pressed up against him, she could feel his breath on her hair.

"No problem, the bus comes at ten past, you excuse yourself now, I'll meet you in ten minutes at the stop near the newsagents. You don't want them to think we are leaving together do you?" Jay suggested

"Ok" Ruth nodded with a small smile "Thanks."

"No problem." Jay shrugged before heading into the men's toilets.

Ruth did as Jay suggested and announced to the group that she was going to call it a night and just as Jay came back from the toilets she left the pub, thanking everyone for a good time and promising Adam she would come out again.

Ruth wandered down the nearly empty street looking around herself anxiously, she found the bus stop easily and took a seat in the shelter. Exactly ten minutes later Jay appeared, his familiar jacket and hands in pocket stance making Ruth relax. They didn't exchange a word, Ruth wondered if he was annoyed with her. They stepped onto the bus as it arrived and sat side by side in silence. Ruth was getting more worried as the bus passed through the centre of town and on towards Jay's house. The eventually stepped off the bus a few doors down and Ruth followed Jay up to the door.

"Thanks for dragging me with you." Ruth said as he unlocked the door breaking the silence that had fallen between.

"No problem." Jay shrugged offering her a small smile

"Sorry I was a bitch at work…" Ruth said ashamed of the dirty glares she had given Jay earlier in the day.

"Its ok." Jay replied simply as he locked the door behind them "I know you think that admitting you have friends will make you seem like you aren't working hard enough but look at what Sarah Evans said when she told you that you didn't have the rotation anymore. That fake relationship was what convinced them you were doing better! Relationships and friendships can be a good thing as long as they don't get in the way of your professional life." he kissed her on the cheek. "Sleep tight."

Ruth watched him go thoughtfully her fingers tracing the spot where he had kissed her as he climbed the stairs, why was he always right?


	14. 1 Sambuca, 2 Sambuca, 3 Sambuca, Floor!

**Footsteps in the Dark**

******Chapter 14 - One Sambuca, Two Sambuca, Three Sambuca, Floor! **

Ruth was soon settled into her new non clinical duties. She wanted to protest at first but soon decided it was easier just to get on with it even though she didn't want to. She had however been to the pub twice more with some of the other members of staff, always including Jay. Ruth felt guilty even thinking about Jay. At work she simply tried to avoid him, avoidance was easier than shooting him glares, Plus she felt much less guilty. Ruth had decided letting him be friendly with her at the pub was ok as she slowly built relationships with some of the other members of staff, she was happy to talk to Jay in the company of the others but as she put it she didn't want them to seem 'too friendly'.

Jay wished she would just admit to the others they were friends and that she was staying at his house but he knew Ruth was paranoid about how it would affect her professional image and he knew how much that meant to her so he didn't push the subject. However he did enjoy teasing her slightly whenever the opportunity arose he would keep going until she glared at him in such a way he knew he'd gone to far.

It was a week since Ruth had returned to work and she had accepted Adam's offer to join a few of them at a local bar to celebrate his birthday. She had gone on ahead with some of the others as Jay's shift finished an hour and a half later than hers.

She left the hospital with the others wearing a pretty little turquoise dress and black heels, Jay had wolf whistled as she walked through the reception causing her to blush and be tempted to head over and smack him, though she resisted temptation, simply grinning and accepted the compliment. For once she felt like part of the group.

As she joined the others in a round of birthday shots she realised how much more comfortable she now felt in situations like these, she put it down to Jay. She had been put a lot of things down to Jay recently, not that she would ever admit that to him. He already had a big enough head, She laughed to herself ordering a second vodka and coke and a shot of Black Sambuca for good measure.

Jay was very relieved to have finished his shift, he was looking forward to Adam's party and he had to admit he was nervous about Ruth going on her own even with the other members of staff. He quickly changed into a shimmerey fitted dark blue shirt and some neat trousers and slipped into a taxi. Tapping his fingers irritably as they headed towards the centre of town. He finally arrived at the bar and headed straight inside, glancing around he spotted Adam and Jessica talking near the entrance.

"Hey, Is Ruth still out with you guys?" he asked Adam interrupting their conversation

"Yeah she's at the bar." Jessica informed him pointing towards Ruth who was happily sipping on a drink. "She's a bit tipsy…"

"Thanks." Jay nodded heading over to Ruth's side.

"Jaaaay!" Ruth screeched wrapping her arms around Jay's neck

"Ruth…" Jay raised an eyebrow "Are you drunk?"

"Absolutely hammer-red!" Ruth grinned

"oh." Jay said

"Can we dance?" Ruth asked with a pout

"Um.. Sure." Jay agreed unable to hide the smiled that crossed his face

Ruth pulled him to the dance floor where she performed some quite spectacular moves, Jay wished he had a camera though he knew if he had taken any pictures of Ruth doing some sort of robot dance she would probably attack him with a bedpan. Eventually her wild out of control dancing turned into a slow dance as she collapsed in his arms and tried to get him to sway along with her. His heart fluttered as they danced slowly, If only she knew how he felt about her… she'd probably run a mile anyway… he sighed stroking her hair gently as they danced.

"Maybe we should get you home?" Jay suggested after a while.

"I'm tired" Ruth said putting her head on Jay's shoulder

"Come on then" Jay said softly he put her arm around his shoulder and half carried her towards the door.

"Bit drunk are we?" Jeff asked as Jay passed him supporting the rather drunk Ruth.

"A little!" Jay laughed slightly "I'm going to call it a night and make sure she gets home safely."

"Very gentlemanly," Dixie smiled "Jeff wouldn't care if I ended up in the gutter!"

"I would!" Jeff protested "There wouldn't be anyone to cook me a full English the next morning!" Dixie rolled her eyes and Jay laughed

"Enjoy the rest of the night!" Jay smiled "Try not to leave her in the gutter!" he winked at Jeff before helping Ruth out of the bar. He noticed she was shivering a bit as they stepped out of the bar so he wrapped his own coat around her before finding them a taxi.

Jay smiled as they drove them away from the busy lights of town and Ruth fell asleep on his shoulder. He couldn't help but admire how beautiful she was even in her drunken state.

They arrived home and he paid the taxi driver before helping a now groggy but awake Ruth into the house.

"We've got to be quiet remember." Jay whispered in Ruth's ear as the entered the house.

"Shshhh" Ruth giggled

"Yes Shh! We don't want River to wake up." Jay smiled at the childishness of her response.

"Jay?" She mumbled

"Yeah?" He asked throwing her arm around his neck and looking up at the stairs considering how fun this was going to be.

"I feel sick." she mumbled

Just what I need. Jay sighed.

"Hold on let me help you upstairs." Jay said gently supporting her and giving her a hand.

They eventually made it to the top, luckily without Ruth throwing up, in to the bathroom and over to the toilet where she threw up. Jay grabbed one of Ellie's hair bobbles from the side of the sink and tied her hair back gently before she had chance to throw up in it.

"Silly thing." Jay said softly rubbing her back as she threw up a second time "You totally over did it didn't you?"

"Didn't mean too." Ruth mumbled as Jay pulled some loo roll off the holder and wiped her mouth.

"I know." he said softly as she threw up again.

He stood up and filled a beaker with water and handed it her, she sipped for a few minutes. Before throwing up yet again.

"I'm sorry." She slurred holding onto the edge of the toilet "I'm stupid."

"Hey don't say that." Jay rubbed her back

"But I am…"she mumbled in protest

"Your drunk, not stupid." he said as she flopped down on the floor. "Lets get you a bucket and some pyjamas and get you to bed. She nodded, he flushed the toilet and helped her up. Grabbing one of his old t-shirts and a bucket from the airing cupboard that his Nan used whenever River was poorly as they went.

Somehow they made it into Ruth's room, he helped her out of his coat and the beautiful dress and into his old t-shirt before he tucked her into bed. She was asleep the second her head hit the pillow. He put the bucket down next to the bed just incase and sat stroking her hair for a few minutes. Her mascara had run and her face was pale but Jay still thought she looked beautiful, so broken but so perfect.

"You worry me sometimes." He admitted "But I love you anyway." he added kissing her on the forehead and standing up. He picked up a throw from the end of Ruth's bed and settled down in the armchair at the end of her room. Watching her sleep for a few minutes before his own eyes flicked shut.

Ruth cringed as pain shot through her head as she opened her eyes, surely it was un-natural for it to be that sunny? She immediately raised her hand to her head which was banging. What did she do last night? A loud snore interrupted her thoughts and she sat bolt upright looking around her, she breathed a sigh of relief to find herself alone in the bed and in the room at Jay's house that she had come to think of as hers. Another loud snore made her glance around the room more carefully. She spotted Jay fast asleep in the armchair, snoring. She smiled slightly but a wave of guilt flooded her as some vague memories from the night before came flooding back… She had been so drunk… How many shots of Sambuca did she actually do?… Did she really tell Adam she liked his shoes?… Had Jay been holding her up at one point?… she rubbed her forehead… And how did she get back here anyway? And who's t-shirt was she wearing?

"Morning sunshine." Jay's voice suddenly interrupted her thoughts. He was sat up and smiling at her "Got a bit of a hangover?"

"Just a bit." Ruth groaned. "Did you ever get to the bar?"

"Yes." Jay laughed "We were dancing for awhile…"

"Dancing…" Ruth blushed "Oh dear…"

"You were, as you put it, absolutely hammer-red" Jay winked standing up and stretching.

"I'm so sorry…" Ruth blushed

"Its ok, we've all done it." Jay laughed "I'm just glad Nan didn't wake up when I finally managed to get you into the house."

"Please say I didn't do anything too embarrassing…" Ruth said biting her lip nervously

"Nah you hugged me, insisted we danced, then you were so out of it I had to practically carry you home, once we got home you threw up a lot and then passed out the second your head hit the pillow." Jay informed her

"Oh god…"Ruth hung her head in shame

"If anything it was funny." Jay laughed

"Embarrassing" Ruth corrected him

"No definitely funny." Jay smiled


	15. Exploding hamsters and other surprises

**Footsteps in the Dark**

******Chapter 15 - Exploding hamsters and other surprises **

Ruth settled back into her chair, it was her second day off in a row, the day itself had passed quickly, she and Jay had been out to have coffee in the park. Ruth felt her heart flutter as she thought back to their cheerful trip out. However Jay was now at work for the evening and whilst she was left at home reading a medical journal in her room. Ruth was flicking through the second chapter when there was a quiet knock on her door and it opened slightly. Ruth turned to look who had entered and saw a familiar blue eye peeking through.

"River?" She asked softly "You can come in." She added wondering why the seven year old was at her door.

"Can you help me with my homework?" River asked as she entered jumping on Ruth's bed and sitting staring at Ruth with her large innocent blue eyes. "Jay's at work."

"Erm, Sure…" Ruth agreed nervously as River ran out the room appearing seconds later with a textbook, small notebook and a pencil which she placed on the desk in front of Ruth.

"Its about plants." River explained "I don't like plants."

"Me either" Ruth laughed slightly "Lets see if I can't help you." She closed the journal and stood up so River could sit at her desk.

"I'm going to be a nurse like Jay." River announced as she picked up her pencil and opened her notebook.

"Really?" Ruth asked curiously

"Yep! Or I want to be a vet and look after poorly animals." River grinned

"That's good." Ruth smiled River's childish excitement was infectious. "But you can't be a vet or a nurse if you don't do your homework."

"I know, If I could I wouldn't be writing about plants." She pulled a face which made Ruth laugh. The seven year old was way too wise for her age.

"Lets see what you've got to do then." Ruth said looking over the little girls shoulder as she pointed to a small diagram of a flower with the labels missing.

Ruth helped River copy the diagram of the flower into her book and then together they scanned the book for the missing labels. Ruth suddenly realised she was actually having quite a good time. She couldn't help but smiled as River wrapped her arms around her waist.

"Thank you!" She grinned releasing Ruth from the hug and closing the books and putting them in a neat pile.

"No problem." Ruth smiled ruffling Rivers hair affectionately without even realising she was doing it.

"Are you going to read your book again now?" River asked as she picked up her own work

"Probably." Ruth nodded

"Do you want to play snap instead?" River asked "Please please please!" she said looking up at Ruth with her big blue eyes

"I guess I could manage one game." Ruth said not wanting to let the cheerful child down.

"Yay!" River beamed running out of the room. Ruth headed over to the doorway and followed the small girl into her bedroom.

Ruth hadn't actually been in River's bedroom before, It was the smallest room of the house and it had with light pink walls to which River had blue tacked various animal pictures probably with the help of Jay or one of her older sisters. There was a bed in one corner with a pink patchwork duvet set, the carpet was a rose colour and she had her own small wooden desk and chair in another corner and a wardrobe pressed in a little alcove. Underneath the window was a bookshelf with various bits and bobs including several little animal statues and a few books. It was simple but a lot nicer than Ruth had had when she was younger.

River put her homework down on her desk and produced a packet of snap cards from the bottom draw. She flopped down on the floor and started dealing the cards into two piles. Ruth sat down nervously opposite her and watched as she carefully finished splitting the packet.

"Do you know how to play?" River asked

"Not exactly…" Ruth blushed slightly, she have never really played any card games or any board games as a child. She had spent her days sneaking off to the park to play on the swings, watching television lying on the hard floor as her mum had fallen asleep or her dad had passed out on the only sofa yet again or lying on her bed reading. Her parents had never brought her a pack of cards or a board game. She vaguely recalled playing some sort of board game at school on a rainy day but besides that, nothing.

"Its so easy." River explained "you put you card down and if it's the same as the one already on the floor you scream 'snap!' if you get it first you get to keep the cards and the loser is whoever loses all their cards."

"Ok." Ruth nodded with a small smile

"I'll start" River beamed throwing down the first card and Ruth copied her.

Ruth sighed feeling a wave of emotions flooding her as she played, she had missed out on so much as child, so many little things like this, she couldn't help but feel jealous of the seven year old as she played without a care in the world.

Soon the game was over and River had won. She put the cards back in their packet and into the draw.

"I want a rabbit." River said suddenly producing a book from her bookshelf and flicking through it to find the picture she wanted to show Ruth. She held it up proudly at the page with a rather fluffy black and white rabbit on it. "Just like this one."

"That's cute." Ruth nodded from the floor as River sat down crossing her legs and putting the book down on her knee, she flicked through it a bit more.

"Yeah my friend Bethany has one," River explained as she flicked through before looking up sadly "but Nan says I can't have a pet because I'd forget to look after it and would have to be buried in the garden like Jay's hamster that he made explode." Ruth snorted as she tried to prevent herself from laughing at the idea of Jay's pet hamster exploding. "I told her I would remember to feed it properly and I don't have a chemistry set so I couldn't feed it whatever he fed his hamster."

"Your brother sounds like he was a very naughty child." Ruth commented as she tried not to laugh

"Nan says he was a pain in the you know where!" River announced proudly closing the book as the bedroom door opened.

"There you are River! Have you done your homework?" Jay's Nan said as she popped her head around the door, she suddenly spotted Ruth sat on the floor "You better not be hassling Ruth you heard what Jay said…"

"Its ok." Ruth smiled slightly "I needed a break from my revision anyway."

"My homework is all done Nan! Ruth helped me!" River announced happily "and we played snap!"

"That's nice dear." Jay's Nan smiled "You didn't have to…"she added to Ruth

"Nah its ok, I enjoyed myself." Ruth smiled slightly winking at River who beamed.

"Ruth's my new friend!" River announced

"I'm sure she is." Jay's Nan shook her head "Now you need to get ready for your bath and I'm sure Ruth has something she needs to be doing too."

"Ok Nan." River said as she and Ruth got up form the floor.

"See you later." Ruth smiled to the small girl. Who wrapped her arms around her waist again before skipping off towards the bathroom.

"Looks like you've made a friend for life there!" Jay's Nan laughed slightly and Ruth smiled.

"She's a good kid." she nodded before slipping out of the room herself and heading into her own.

-

The end of the week had finally arrived and Jay had managed to persuade Ruth that she should come out again and that she probably wouldn't make such a fool of herself this time. They joined some of the other regular members of staff at the local pub and Ruth let herself go a bit and had a couple of drinks and was actually enjoying herself, not that she would ever admit it. She was ordering her fourth drink and was already a little tipsy when a familiar face entered the bar.

"Toby!" Ruth beamed a genuine smile crossing her face as she spotted him.

"Hey Ruth!" Toby smiled pleasantly surprised by how cheerful his former housemate was. He pulled her into a hug which to his surprise she returned

"Its nice to see you." She said honestly looking up at him with her icy blue eyes.

"Its nice to see you too!" Toby agreed with a smile "though I'm not liking the stories I've been hearing…" he added sadly, Ruth looked down at her feet. Who had told him?

"I'm better again now." She mumbled

"Good." Toby smiled ruffling her hair.

"God I forgot how irritating you are." Ruth scowled

"And I forgot how grumpy you are!" Toby laughed and Ruth smiled a little

"Hey Tobes, how you doing mate?" Jay asked coming up behind Ruth "Managed to fall in any more rivers recently?" Ruth snorted into her vodka and coke.

"Good thanks" Toby blushed "And no I haven't I've been avoiding repeating drowning myself, especially since you wouldn't be around the rescue me."

"Good because I'm a bit busy looking out for people who don't know their limits these days.." he nudged Ruth who glared at him

"I'm only tipsy!" She protested

"Lets keep it that way please." Jay winked "You staying for a couple of drinks Tobes?"

"Yeah, I've been to see my mother, I definitely could use several drinks." Toby smiled slightly.

"That's what I like to hear, I'll leave you two to catch up." Jay grinned heading off to talk to Charlie who was sat at the bar.

"Is something going on between the pair of you?" Toby asked looking at Ruth, who was smiling slightly as she watched Jay leave.

"No." Ruth lied quickly turning a rather bright shade of red.

"Are you sure? Your looking at him in a very… loving way." Toby pointed out

"Ok Maybe there is" Ruth said in a whisper turning even redder if possible.

"Ha! Knew it!" Toby said loudly catching the attention of Adam and Jess who were a few feet away. Ruth smacked him round the head "Ouch!"

"Keep it down!" Ruth scowled as the others turned back to their conversation "We're just friends, he's let me stay at his after… you know… and he's been brilliant."

"I'm glad" Toby smiled "Though you definitely fancy him." your really easy to read Ruth.

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't" Ruth said quickly

"He likes you." Toby pointed out as he spotted Jay eyeing up Ruth.

"I know but I don't know why…" Rut admitted "I mean he's so popular, friendly.. I'm… well I'm a bitch."

"Your not a bitch, well you are sometimes but not all the time." Toby reassured her "You a pretty girl, your smart, sweet, funny and actually have a really amazing personality if you'd just let people in!"

"I missed you Tobes" Ruth admitted spontaneously hugging him again, something that at one time she would never have done.

"Strangely I missed you too!" Toby hugged her back

"So What is going of over here then?" Jay smirked clapping Toby on the back "When did you two start becoming all lovey, dovey?"

"Eww Jay the idea of me and Toby as a couple… he's like my brother!" Ruth pulled a face that made Jay have the urge to kiss her right there and then. He shook it off and grinned. "Ah well that means your still a single agent then."

"Don't try it" Ruth blushed

"What's a guy got to do to get some love around here? Toby I need some tips next time you've got five minutes!" Jay laughed before turning away and heading over to join Jeff and Dixie.

"I bet you five pounds you two are a couple before Christmas." Toby laughed "I better go and say hi to everyone." he smiled before leaning down and whispering in her ear "Its nice to see you happy. You deserve it." he kissed her on the cheek and headed off to talk to Charlie.

Two hours and a few more drinks later, Ruth found herself practically supporting Jay as they staggered home. She wasn't doing too good a job as she herself was quite tipsy. They giggled at something Jay said as they headed up the path to the house and he fumbled with his key eventually letting them in.

"Drunk again?" Ellie's voice interrupted Ruth and Jay's giggly conversation as they slipped into the hallway, Ruth immediately straightened up felling slightly soberer being caught with her arm around Jay's neck.

"Nah just tipsy!" Jay laughed "What are you doing up anyway trouble?" he ruffled her hair. She glared at him.

"Nothing." Ellie blushed Ruth suspected she had been up to something but she didn't know Ellie well enough to question her. Jay seemed oblivious to the situation in his tipsy state.

"Well maybe you should do nothing in your room before Nan catches you! You know what she's like." Jay pointed out "I'm not bailing you out again."

Ellie and Ruth shared a glance, Ruth smiled reassuringly as Jay raised his eyebrows in away that clearly said you either go to bed or give me a good reason why your up. Ellie sighed and stormed off upstairs it seemed as if Jay had interrupted her from doing something she wanted to do but didn't want him to know about.

"Teenagers!" Jay laughed "Well I'm knackered." he aimed a sloppy beer flavoured kiss on her cheek missing and hitting her ear instead. "Sleep well Ruthie."

Ruth winced at the all too familiar nickname but ignored it. Jay didn't know that was the name her family had called her by since she was five. Normally she would have freaked out but the alcohol had lulled her senses and it felt like it bounced off. She sighed and locked the door that had just stepped through before heading off upstairs after Jay.

She headed over to her own room glancing over at the small ladder like staircase up to Ellie's attic room. She wanted to go talk to the teenager, in a way she felt like she should apologise for Jay being a twit but she didn't know how to approach her or if she even had the right too. It wasn't like Ellie was her sister. What could she do anyway? She sighed and slipped into her own room.


	16. Bittersweet Splits

**Footsteps in the Dark**

******Chapter 16 - Bittersweet Splits **

Jay smiled to himself as he zipped up his coat and pulled River's coat off its peg in the hallway. He had promised her that he would find an evening to take her bowling and tonight was the night. He was looking forward to spending some quality time with his youngest sister.

"Hold still fidget bum!" Jay laughed as he helped River put on her coat.

"Can Ruth come?" River asked enthusiastically as she spotted Ruth coming down the stairs.

"If she wants too." Jay replied as he pulled the zip up. He looked down at River with a small smile surprised how much she seemed to have taken to Ruth "Why Don't you ask her if she would like to?"

"Would you like to come bowling?" River asked politely but unable to hide her excitement as she approached Ruth who was as the bottom of the stairs. She looked up at the older girl with her innocent blue eyes. "Please please please! It'll be more fun with you!"

"Are you trying to say you don't like spending time with your big brother anymore?" Jay asked faking looking hurt

"No!" River protested spinning round "But you never let me win." She put her hands on her hips stropily.

"I suppose I could spare a couple of hours." Ruth smiled slightly and Jay looked surprised. "Let me get my coat." She headed back upstairs and re-joined them a few minutes later.

They stepped out of the door and River slipped one small hand into Ruth's and one into Jay's. Ruth smiled slightly as she began babbling about the school Christmas play which they had apparently begun casting for. Jay was surprised to realise that Ruth was clinging onto her every word and responding accordingly asking her what part she wanted and what the play was about. He blinked wondering if he was still looking at the F2 who seemed incapable of saying two words to a child in the hospital let along holding a conversation.

The arrived at the bowling complex and Jay paid for them, Jay slipped on his own shoes and then helped River with hers whilst Ruth filled in their names in on the computer.

Ruth didn't think she had had so much fun in such a long time. Jay's dances whenever he got a strike were beyond funny and River's look of sheer concentration was extremely cute. Ruth herself had never been bowling before and discovered it wasn't something that came naturally to her. Instead of being frustrated like she would have at one time she shook the failure off and high fived River laughing uncontrollably as she successfully distracted Jay by giving him a wedgie.

Finally the game drew to a close. Jay won by twenty points, River coming second and Ruth last. Ruth produced a twenty pound note and brought them each a McDonald's meal for their tea as a bit of a treat. They settled down at one of the plastic tables with their trays of gooey hamburgers, greasy fries and fizzy pop. River ate quickly and spent ten minutes begging Jay to let her play in the soft play area. Eventually Jay nodded and she hurried off excitedly.

"So you having a good night?" Jay asked watching River climbing the climbing frame like an expert.

"Yes." Ruth smiled "I don't think I've had this much fun for a long time."

"Good." Jay smiled "I'm glad."

"She really makes things seem so much more simple." Ruth commented watching river playing happily.

"She does." Jay agreed

"She's a sweet kid." Ruth told him

"I know. She makes me hate my Mum even more." Jay commented a hint of anger in his voice. "She's so innocent, she didn't deserve being dumped on Nan's doorstep like that. I'm glad Nan threw her out completely. I hope she gets locked up." he spat, Ruth was surprised at the venom in his voice "We don't even know who her dad is, Probably some man Mum slept with for drugs money." he hung his head "I feel like I should forgive her sometimes." he said sadly "She is my mother after all but at the same time what she's done is unforgivable. You know?"

"I know." Ruth reassured him "Believe me I feel the same way about my dad." she sighed slightly "River is very lucky, So are you and your other sisters. You have your Nan and you have each other."

"Your right, We are lucky." He said smiling slightly he watched River "Luckier than some."

Ruth knew he was referring to her but she didn't react. Silence fell between them for a few minutes they simply sat there watching River playing.

"I've been thinking." Ruth said as they watched River sliding down the slide into the ball pit giggling happy.

"Yeah?" Jay asked sipping on his coke.

"Its been about a two months now, I've finished seeing Liz at last, I'm back at work and I think its about time I move back into my flat, it seems silly that I'm playing for it and I'm not there when I could be." Ruth explained

"Oh." Jay said his voice dropped slightly as he put the plastic cup down

"Its not like I'm not enjoying staying at yours, I really am, I just need my own space." Ruth sighed

"Fair enough" Jay shrugged tried not to let the disappointment enter his voice, he knew Ruth wasn't going to stay with them forever but he just couldn't seem to imagine their house without her.

"I was thinking of moving back on Sunday." She said suddenly feeling a lump in her throat, she wanted to get back to usual so badly but a small part of her felt like Jay's house was now her house.

"I'll give you a hand" He nodded

"It wont mean we stop being friends will it?" Ruth asked looking him in the eyes "Outside of work of course…"

"Of course not!" Jay smiled putting an arm around her shoulders, she didn't push him off like she once would have done instead she smiled up at him. "I couldn't imagine my life without you so unfortunately you wont be getting rid of me that easily!"

"Good because I…" Ruth started but the were interrupted by River bouncing over and jumping on Jay's knee

"Will you come and play with me? Please!" She said tugging at his jacket.

"Oi cheeky monster!" he laughed taking his arm from around Ruth and tickling River her so she squirmed about on his lap.

Ruth smiled as she watched Jay pick River up and swing her around as she giggled. She sighed wishing she had had such a good relationship with her big brother or any member of her family for that matter.

Eventually Jay managed to drag River from the play area and they headed home. Ruth excused herself as soon as they got in and headed up to her own room, lost in thought.

Jay helped River upstairs where he put her too bed.

"Ruth was very sad when she came to live with us wasn't she?" River observed as Jay gently tucked the sheet around her.

"Yes, Very, very sad." Jay nodded

"She's happier now isn't she?" River asked

"Yes, I think so." Jay smiled slightly

"She still is a bit sad though." River pointed out

"You think so?" Jay asked tipping his head slightly, River had a knack of picking up on things happening around her. It was hard to believe she was only seven.

"Yes" River replied simply "Night Jay."

"Night Princess." He smiled kissing her on the forehead "Sleep tight."

-

The days whizzed past and Sunday arrived far too soon in Jay's opinion. Ruth's bags were packed and every little trace of her ever being in the house had been removed.

"Thanks for having me." Ruth smiled as Jay's family gathered in the hallway to say goodbye.

"No problem dear, you are welcome back whenever you want" Jay's Nan smiled pulling Ruth into a hug, Ruth tensed up slightly but eventually relaxed

"Bye Ruth!" River grinned hugging Ruth's waist "I'm glad you feel better, I hope you come and see us soon!"

"I will." Ruth said stroking the seven year olds hair fondly. "You keep your brother in check ok?"

"Ok" River smiled

"It was nice having you about." Ellie nodded politely Ruth had never spend a lot of time with the teen who was often off with her own friends but that had shared the odd conversation and Ruth had come to like her bubbly character.

Ruth gave River a final hug and then she and Jay headed out to the taxi which waiting for them. The journey was silent and awkward. Neither of them really knew what to say to each other. Finally they arrived at Ruth's old block of flats, Jay got her bags from the boot of the car and she let them into the building and into the flat. Jay put the bags down in her bedroom. He glanced at the bed half expecting to see the bottle of vodka and all sorts of pill packets lying across it despite having personally disposed of them when he had returned to fetch her some bits and bobs when she was in hospital.

"I should leave you to settle back in." he said breaking the silence.

"Ok." Ruth nodded as they headed to the front door.

"I…" Jay started spinning around to face her as he stepped out into the hallway but he looked down at his shoes unable to finish what he was going to say. "I'll miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too." Ruth replied wrapping her arms around him taking him by surprise.

"Look at us, its like we'll never see each other again!" Jay laughed slightly as he returned Ruth's hug.

"You have helped me." Ruth said suddenly "More than you know."

"Good." Jay replied simply as she pulled out of the hug and looked him in the eyes

"I guess I'll see you at work tomorrow?" Ruth asked nervously. Their faces barely a few inches from each other.

"Yeah." Jay sighed "I guess so."

"Maybe we could go for a drink after?" Ruth suggested "That is if you want to?"

"I'd love too" Jay smiled before pulling her back into another hug. "Just take care of yourself this time ok?"

"I will." Ruth promised with a small smile pulling away completely. "See you tomorrow." She slipped inside her flat shutting the door carefully behind her, leaving Jay on the door step.

"I love you…" He whispered sadly "But as long as your happy that is all that matters."

Little did he know Ruth's thoughts were similar to his own. She had slid down the back of the door sighing deeply. Wrapping her arms and around her knees and hugging them tightly to her chest.

"I think I Love you" she whispered to an invisible Jay "but you could never want someone so broken and messed up." she added as a single tear fell from her eyes "could you?" her question remained unanswered.


	17. Patience is a Virtue but Love is a Gift

**Footsteps in the Dark**

******Chapter 17 - Patience is a Virtue but Love is a Gift. **

"Good news Doctor Winters!" Adam smiled leaning on the counter next to where Ruth had been sorting a patients file. "Today's the day you get to start treating patients again!" Ruth had been living on her own for a week and was finally settled back into the quiet flat. She hated to admit it but she was missing Jay's company as well as his family.

"Really?" Ruth asked excitedly

"Yep! Mr Jordan agrees you seem ready so why not?" Adam smiled "There's a lacerated leg waiting to welcome you back in cubical 5!"

"Great!" Ruth beamed

"Congratulations on officially not being insane anymore!" Jay winked clapping Ruth on the back and heading off to see his next patient.

"Jay's been good for you." Adam said suddenly as Jay walked away.

"I don't know what you mean." Ruth blushed.

"He obviously cares about you and you obviously care about him, I'd say you are either good friends or something more." Adam pointed out wisely

"We're good friends." Ruth sighed giving up pretending. "But I don't want it to affect my work.."

"Well it has already" Adam shrugged Ruth's face turned white "Stop panicking, I meant he has effected it in a good way!" he added with a smile

"Really?" Ruth asked surprised

"I've never seen you happier and I've never seen you more capable of dealing with people." Adam complimented her "I look forward to seeing the new Ruth in cubicles and resus." he smiled heading off to check on a patient.

Ruth blushed. Maybe being completely professional wasn't always everything.

Jay had finished treating his patient and Ruth bumped into him near the nurses station. He beamed seeing her happy face.

"I always said you'd get through this" He hugged her tightly and she froze, several other members of staff were looking their way. She knew he was just showing her how happy he was for her but she couldn't help but be furious. She reminded frozen to the spot as he went back to work oblivious to Ruth who face was turning a rather vivid shade of red. Eventually the shock wore off and she headed over to the cubicle Jay was in.

"Why did you do that?" Ruth hissed as he stepped back out from the cubicle.

"What?" Jay asked turning to face her

"You know what!" She said irritably as he walked over to the storage cupboard

"That? Oh come on Ruth they know we are friends!" Jay sighed

"Sometimes I think you are wonderful other times I think you are a complete pig!" Ruth suddenly said. As the words slipped out she instantly regretted them. Jay looked hurt. She turned and stormed off. Avoidance was always easier than facing reality.

Jay was left staring at her back, Jaw open. Gob smacked. All he did was hug her and she had fired off at him. He treated his patient quickly and slipped into the apparently empty staffroom.

Frustrated, he turned to his locker and punched it. Hard.

"Someone's got it bad…" the familiar voice of Charlie said as he slipped out of the shadows.

"You have no clue Gramps." Jay sighed refraining from punching his locker again and flopping down on the sofa rubbing his sore knuckles. "One minute she's hanging off my every word the next she's screaming at me! she just cant seem to make up her mind!" he said frustrated

"That's women for you!" Charlie winked sitting down next to the younger nurse. "Ruth isn't as tough as she looks, its all a front she uses to avoid things that she is scared of."

"How did you know it was Ruth?" Jay asked surprised

"I've seen the way you look at her." Charlie smiled slightly "I've not always been this old!" He chuckled "I have also been young and in love."

"I didn't say I was in love…" Jay said suddenly

"You didn't have too, you can see it in your eyes and the way to act around her." Charlie pointed out

"The thing is this… this… I'd say relationship but its not even that… is it even worth fighting for?" Jay sighed

"Sometimes you have to take a chance and just go with your heart." Charlie said wisely as realisation hit Jay like a brick to the chest.

"Thanks Gramps." Jay suddenly smiled as he had an idea "I think I know what I need to do and I think I've just thought of the best way to do it."

"Ok just don't go punching any more lockers." He winked standing up "That is definitely not the way to do it!" he added leaving Jay to his thoughts.

-

Ruth had just finished assessing a patient who had had a severe asthma attack when she was pulled from the cubicle by Jay.

"Jay I'm trying to work!" Ruth complained as he dragged her from cubicles.

"Do you trust me?" Jay asked suddenly

"Yes." Ruth replied warily

"Close you eyes." Jay said

"What?" Ruth asked confused

"Just do it!" Jay smiled cheekily

"This better not be a prank…" Ruth mumbled closing her eyes tightly

"Just keep them shut ok?" Jay whispered in her ear sending shivers down her spine

"ok.." Ruth said worriedly as Jay took hold of her shoulders and directed down the corridor. Ruth wondered where he was taking her as he directed her up several flights of stairs.

"Keep them closed" Jay said as he directed her

"Where are you taking me?" Ruth asked nervously

"You'll see." Jay smiled as the breeze hit Ruth's face "Ok we're here, stand still."

He came round in front of her and took hold of her hand.

"Open them."

Ruth's eyes flicked open and she nervously glanced around herself

"Where are we?" she asked looking around

"The roof." Jay smiled as Ruth peered over the edge and looked at all the lights.

"Your insane." Ruth laughed looking down at the busy entrance to the hospital

"I may be insane, But I love you." Jay said suddenly, Ruth turned to look at Jay.

"What?" She asked not really believing what he had just said

"I Love you Ruth winters!" he said again

"I…" Ruth was stunned she looked into his eyes surprised to see the seriousness in them "I think I love you too."

Jay lent down and his lips gently brushed against hers, she was surprised that he seemed nervous about kissing her, she wrapped her arms around him and kissed his back with all her heart. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach as he pulled away placing his forehead against hers, his arms still wrapped around her and her arms still wrapped around him, entwined. It was a feeling she had never felt before, the safety, protection, love, the simple reassurance that he was there and he wasn't going to leave her even if she wanted him too.

She lent forward and kissed him again deeper this time her fingers running through his hair as he pulled her closer. If this was what love felt like then she couldn't believe she had been missing out for so long.


	18. Cupboard Love

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 18 - Cupboard Love. **

Ruth had never woken up feeling so happy. She could barley believe what had happened on the roof the evening before. She flicked her alarm off and got dressed excited about going to work for not one but two reasons her first full day on clinical duties and seeing Jay, even if it meant she had to hold back from hugging or kissing him. Her heart leapt at the thought of seeing him and she smiled to herself as she slipped on a pair of jeans and a pretty top. There was only one problem, the one thought niggling in the back of her mind as she left the house, she may want to keep it private but would he tell everyone?

Ruth's change in mood was easily spotted by several members of staff, her new upbeat attitude going down well with her colleagues.

"Your looking particularly cheerful today Ruth." Nick commented as she assisted him with a Minor RTA patient.

"Am I?" She blushed "We need bloods, glucose and clotting." she asked Jess who headed off immediately

"Its nice to see you looking happy it is making a great improvement to your work." Nick pointed out before heading over to look at Adam's patient.

Ruth was still glowing with the compliment from Nick as she wandered down the corridor towards the staffroom looking forward to her first break of the day. She didn't realise until it was too late that someone had wrapped their hand around her arm and pulled her roughly into a cupboard.

"Ouch!" Ruth complained as the door clicked shut. A familiar finger was placed over her lips and she looked up into the eyes of Jay.

"I've been wanting to do this all day." he whispered removing his finger and kissing her on the lips.

"We can keep it quiet can't we?" Ruth asked nervously as she pulled away from his him "Please?"

"Of course, I figured you would want to." Jay replied with a small smile brushing a stand of hair out of her eyes "Why else do you think I pulled you into a cupboard instead of kissing you in front of the entire department? Just for the fun of it?"

"You never know when your concerned." Ruth laughed slightly.

"it's the only way I can be with you without upsetting you." Jay admitted entwining his fingers with hers. "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

"Thank you." Ruth said simply and kissed him on the cheek

"You go first, if anyone gets yelled at it should be me!" He said softly

"Wow that's the most gentlemanly thing I think you've ever said to me!" Ruth laughed

"Well I can be gentlemanly sometimes!" He laughed "On a more serious note, Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?" he asked "River would love to see you…" he added "She misses you."

"Sure, That would be nice." Ruth smiled

"Great!" Jay grinned "Shall we meet at the bus stop like we used too?" He asked

"Ok." She nodded "Have a nice day." she added kissing him on the lips once more.

"You too." Jay smiled as she slipped out of the cupboard straightening her scrubs and running a hand through her hair.

Ruth's smile lasted the rest of the day, through treating the irritating child who had fallen off their climbing frame to the old woman who was convinced her toes were going to fall off from some unheard of illness.

Ruth tapped her foot nervously as she waited at the now familiar bus stop wondering which would come first, Jay or the Bus. Luckily Jay appeared seconds after she checked her watch for the fourth time.

He wrapped his arms around Ruth from behind and kissed the top of her head.

"Alright?" he asked slipping his hand into hers

"Yep." She nodded

"Tess decided to give me a lecture." Jay told her "Only just escaped."

"Dare I ask why?" Ruth asked

"It involved a tube of superglue, the skeleton and some missing bedpans." Jay shrugged

"I don't think I want to know.." Ruth rolled her eyes

Jay laughed as the bus pulled up.

They stepped on and sat side by side, hand in hand.

"Can Nan know about us?" Jay asked suddenly turning to Ruth as the bus moved off. Ruth looked him in the eyes to see a look that was a cross between excitement and nerves.

"I…I guess so." Ruth smiled slightly.

"Are you sure?" Jay asked squeezing her hand "If you don't want to we can keep it to ourselves…"

"Why not." She shrugged biting her lip "We wont be able to keep this a secret forever even if we wanted to."

"River will be over the moon…" Jay smiled slightly "She adores you."

"Really?" Ruth was surprised the small child would like her that much

"Oh yes, she misses you and asks when your coming to visit almost every other day!" Jay beamed

"I've miss her too." Ruth admitted and Jay looked surprised

"Who knew it, Ruth Winters is human!" Jay said sticking out his tongue cheekily

Ruth slapped him playfully as a small smile crossed her face.

They stepped off the bus and walked up the familiar door. Jay let them in and Ruth felt her heart lift as she entered the cheerful household.

"Ruth!" River's cheerful voice squealed from the top of the stairs. She hurried down and wrapped her arms around Ruth's waist.

"Hey River." Ruth smiled "How are you?"

"I'm happy!" River beamed

"Ah I thought I heard Ruth's name being screeched!" Jay's Nan smiled appeared from the kitchen "Its nice to see you again dear."

"Its nice to see you too." Ruth replied politely

"Why don't you and go and sit down, River will you go and find your sister and tell its tea time, Jay you can come and give me hand." Jay's Nan suggested.

Ruth did as she was told only to be joined minutes later by River, who insisted on sitting next to her and Ellie who didn't look very impressed.

"Hey." Ellie mumbled

"Hi." Ruth nodded "are you alright?" she added taking in the look on the younger girls face.

"Fine." Ellie replied shrugging it off but Ruth had the sneaking suspicion something was wrong. Before they had chance to exchange even two more words Jay burst in holding two plates of his Nan's famous spaghetti.

"M'ladies Dinner is served!" He beamed

"Jamshid stop being an idiot." His Nan scolded him as River giggled

"Sorry Nan." Jay replied putting a plate down in front of Ruth

He slipped into the seat at the end of the table on Ruth's left as River turned to Ruth a huge smile crossing her little face.

"Guess what Ruth!" She beamed

"What?" Ruth asked as she tucked into the delicious looking meal.

"I'vegotammphpartmmphplay." River said with her mouth full.

"River! Manners! Chew your food, swallow it and then talk." Jay's Nan scolded her

"I got a part in the play!" River said after she swallowed her mouthful

"Really? that's good!" Ruth smiled

"I'm going to be one of the reindeer!" She beamed "Will you come and watch?"

"Sure." Ruth smiled not wanting to let the small girl down.

Jay slid his hand over to Ruth's knee and found her hand, he squeezed it slightly.

He knew she was nervous but he was nervous too. The comforting hand squeeze was as much for himself as for Ruth. He had never told Nan anything like this before, hell he had never been in anything that could have been classed as a relationship before, his version of a relationship prior to meeting Ruth had simply been meet them, sleep with them and stay long enough to eat breakfast with them.

"Nan, I have some news." Jay spoke up Ruth looked over at him the look on her face clear said 'you look as nervous as I feel'

"If you have been suspended…" Jay's Nan started shooting her grandson a glare.

"No! I haven't. I'm glad you have so much faith in me!" He rolled his eyes "No its good news!" why did his Nan always expect him to be telling her bad news?

"Well that makes a change." Jay's Nan sighed "So what is it then Jay?"

"Me and Ruth… we've decided to start going out…" He announced, Ruth looked surprised to hear the nerves in his voice.

"At last!" His Nan smiled "It has taken you long enough!"

"Does that mean you approve?" Jay asked squeezing Ruth's hand as he spoke

"Of course!" His Nan smiled Jay visibly relaxed.

"Are you going to get married?" River asked excitedly "I want to be your bridesmaid!"

"Whoa slow it down there!" Jay laughed Ruth blushed

"I don't think were quite ready for that yet!" Ruth smiled and River's face fell

"I want you to be my big sort-of-sister!" River pouted

"She would be our sister-in-law" Ellie pointed out "and I'm happy for you both." She smiled slightly "I think your exactly what Jay needs, I swear to god the amount of women that looked like hookers he used to bring home.."

"Elham!" Jay's Nan scolded her as Jay blushed.

"What's a hooker?" River asked innocently causing Jay, Ruth and Ellie to simultaneously burst out laughing

"A Not very nice lady." Jay's Nan told her offhandedly

"Like an ugly one?" River asked wrinkling her brow as she tried to imagine what a not very nice lady was.

"Sort of." Jay's Nan agreed

"Anyway." Jay coughed "How is the coursework going Ellie?"

"Ok." Ellie shrugged

Thankfully the topic of hookers was lost amidst the discussion about Ellie's coursework, Jay's inability to do anything correctly (or so it seemed), His Nan's cooking and back to River's play (which she was apparently very excited about).

After dinner Ellie excused herself and River insisted they all watched some her new favourite movie. Ruth settled down on the sofa and sighed contentedly as she lent against Jay. She had missed his family more than she thought she ever would. She had missed the simple relaxed atmosphere. Jay's Nan had started doing some knitting and River was lying on the floor. The whole setting was so simple yet so wonderful in Ruth's opinion.


	19. Secrets will out

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 19 - Secrets will out **

Ruth was wandering through cubicles when she felt the familiar sensation of a hand closing around her arm and she rolled her eyes as she was pulled into the cubicle and found her face centimetres from Jay's. He lent down for a kiss which she returned before stepping away as he tried to pull her closer again.

"We're in the middle of the department!" Ruth hissed

"Don't tell me you didn't enjoy that?" Jay said simply

"I did but I'm trying to be professional here!" Ruth replied tapping the bedpan she was holding against her hand. "I have patients to see!"

"Aww come on Ruth don't be a spoil sport!" Jay pouted cheekily

Ruth's response was to simply whack him on the head with the bedpan.

"Ouch! I was trying to be romantic! What was that for?" Jay moaned rubbing his head.

"Being an idiot." Ruth said simply sticking out her tongue and walking out of the cubicle leaving Jay rubbing his head.

Ruth soon found herself exactly where she liked to be, right at the heart of all the drama in the emergency department treating patients in resus. She had to bite back a laugh every time Jay spotted her glancing in his direction because he would immediately rub his head and pout at her. Instead she rolled her eyes and gave him the 'stop being an idiot' glare that she reserved just for him. He smiled and shook his head.

It was about five o'clock the sun had practically gone in and the breeze drifting through the streets was icy. Jay was slouching against the bus shelter waiting for Ruth to approach dead on five o'clock punctual as usual. He lifted head and smiled as he saw her lifting his hand to his head and rubbing it.

"You certainly know how to whack someone with a bedpan." he said pulling a fake 'ouch this hurts so much face' as she moved closer.

"Oh come on you girl its only a little bump!" Ruth laughed "I spent half my childhood in different emergency departments with broken limbs, sever bruising, lacerations or burns."

"What?" Jay stopped in his tracks

"Nothing." Ruth blushed unable to believe she had just let that slip.

"You know I just want to lock your father and brother in a cell and throw away the key." Jay said bitterly trying to reach out for her hand, she simply moved her arm out of the way and shrugged biting her lip.

"Did he hurt you a lot?" Jay asked concerned "I got the impression it was occasional when you said before…"

"I deserved it." Ruth tried to brush it off

"No one deserves anything like that." Jay said simply grabbing her hand and squeezing it tightly he felt her tense up and knew she was trying to slip her hand back out but he gripped tighter. "I don't ever want to hear you putting yourself down like that."

Ruth looked awkward she shuffled her feet slightly.

"Why do you think you are such a bad person?" Jay asked gently. "You're the exact opposite. You are beautiful, inside and out."

"I am a cold fish." Ruth mumbled "I will never amount to anything. I drove her to it. I deserve everything I get. I need to keep my nose out of everyone else's business. I am nothing but trouble. I am a let down. I am a foul little child…" Jay wrapped his arms around her stopping the flow of insults to herself flowing from her mouth.

"Listen to me ok?" He said releasing her from the hug and holding her face in his hands "You are Beautiful. You are Smart. You are Sweet. You are the most capable young doctor I have ever met. You will not just amount to something you will be the best at whatever you choose to apply your skills too. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be successful and you deserve a better family. You are my girlfriend and I love you and always will do." he kissed her deeply.

Ruth suddenly noticed the tears sliding down his face.

"Why are you crying?" She asked tipping her head slightly

"Because I can't believe you've lived your life thinking thoughts like that." Jay said sadly "Its no wonder you've tried to kill yourself no one should have to live each day believing they are that worthless."

"I didn't, well I did, but now I don't." Ruth said looking up at him "Not now I have you, you make me feel like life is worth living, like I am not a loser..."

"You never were a loser, you were just a bit lost." Jay told her gently "Come on lets walk back to yours the fresh air will do us both good." Jay suggested

"Ok." Ruth agreed taking his outstretched hand.

They walked in silence.

Jay flopped down on the sofa.

"Can I get you a drink?" Ruth suggested chewing her lip nervously "I have some wine its nothing fancy…"

"A glass of any type of wine would be nice." Jay replied simply.

Ruth slipped out of the room and poured them each a glass. She returned handing Jay a glass and sitting down on the opposite end of the sofa taking a few big gulps of wine.

"You trying to shut me out again?" Jay asked suddenly

"No.." Ruth looked at him.

"Good because I wont let you." Jay said softly putting his glass of wine on the coffee table and sliding across to her. She froze as he put his arm around her. "I thought you trusted me?"

"Of course I do." She replied relaxing "I'm just thinking."

"About anything special?" Jay asked

"You." She replied simply

"Oh?" he asked raising an eyebrow

"Yeah." She smiled slightly

He picked up his own glass and took a long drink. She gulped down a mouthful of her own wine and then lent over and kissed him on the lips.

"Thank you."

"What for?" he asked brushing a strand of hair from her eyes

"Just everything." She smiled

"No problem, its worth it when I get to see you smile." Jay grinned

She kissed him once more this time the kiss became more passionate, Jay's wine splashed onto her sofa.

"Oh god sorry…" Jay said pulling away and starting to get up to go and get a towel.

"Doesn't matter." Ruth replied taking a sip of her own wine and grabbing the back of his t-shirt so he fell back on the sofa splitting yet more wine all over her this time. He laughed noticing the spot of wine on Ruth's nose. He put his glass down to prevent any more spillages, lent over and kissed it off. She giggled.

"You have the cutest smile."

"Cute?" Ruth raised an eyebrow

"Yeah!" he said looking into her eyes "It just begs me to kiss it…"

"Oh really..?" Ruth asked

"Mmhmm." he said leaning forwards and kissing her.

Ruth's own nearly empty glass of wine slipped to the floor as he deepened the kiss but she didn't care. Her now free hands slipped his jacket off and began lifting up the edge of his shirt as his fingers ran across her back. She whipped his wine covered shirt of and ran her fingers down his chest.

"Mm you should go topless more often." She said pulling away from the kiss and smiling slightly

"Oh yeah?" Jay asked tickling her side

"Hey!" She giggled squirming about.

"I think you need to get rid of that top." Jay said raising his eyebrows suggestively "Its covered in wine." he grabbed the edge before she had chance to protest and slipped it over her head.

His fingers flittered over a scar, running up from her belly button to just below where her ribcage was. She held her breath as his fingers explored her imperfections, her scars, the obvious old injuries. He had not thought twice when they had slept together all those months ago, he had been quiet drunk and his need was only for one thing. He had barely looked twice at the girl in front of him and it hurt him to realise he hadn't spotted the obvious damage to her fragile body. He felt guilty, like he had caused some of the damage. He lent down and kissed down from her neck across her collar bone. Her nervous expression turned into one of pleasure as she moaned slightly.

"Maybe we should take this through to the bedroom." Ruth suggested sitting up slightly causing Jay to lift his head and look in her eyes.

"Are you sure?" he asked gently not wanting to rush her into anything she might regret.

"I wouldn't have suggested it if I wasn't sure." She replied taking his hand and dragging him from the wine stained sofa through to her bedroom.

-

Ruth couldn't put the feeling in her stomach into words. She watched as Jay slept so peacefully, without a care in the world.

True it hadn't been the first time they had slept together, But to Ruth it felt like it had been, the last time had been pure lust and a little too much wine. This time Ruth couldn't shake the feelings of warmth, satisfaction and love. She lifted her arm and traced his lips with her finger, hardly able to believe he was lying next to her.

His eyes flickered open.

"Morning sunshine." he smiled and she smiled in return moving her hand over and running her fingers through his hair finding it hard to believe he was lying next to her.

"I need to get ready for work." Ruth said looking him in the eyes "But I just don't want to get out of bed."

"Neither do I." he smiled kissing her gently.

"How did a mess like me end up with a prince like you?" She asked smiling slightly

"Because your Cinders and I'm your Prince Charming! Here to make every day a little better than the last." Jay said cheekily.

Ruth hit him playfully slipping out of bed and into her dressing gown.

"I'm going to have a shower." She announced heading out of the room.

Jay lay back staring at the ceiling thinking about how lucky he was to have finally found someone who was worth more to him than he could ever imagine. He was lost in his day dreams when Ruth returned.

"Oi! Get up." Ruth's voice interrupted his thoughts. He looked up to see her fully clothed hair brushed and make up applied.

"Naah." He replied lying back.

She grabbed the end of the duvet and pulled it off the bed.

"You little…!" He yelled jumping up quickly "Its cold!"

"Well it got you out of bed didn't it?" Ruth laughed as Jay pulled on his jeans "I just saved you from spending half the morning being yelled at by Tess so you better thank me."

"How would I do that?" He asked coming up to her and wrapping his arms around her.

"Like this." She replied simply placing a kiss on his lips. He kissed her back and then pulled her onto the bed and began tickling her.

"Jay!" Ruth gasped between giggles. "Jay! stop…! work…! idiot…!"

"You better not be called me an idiot." He said in a fake threatening tone "Or I will be forced to keep tickling you!"

"Jay Stop!" Ruth laughed

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively as he let her go and then pouted.

"Do we have to go to work?" He asked

"Yes, go find your t-shirt!" She replied simply sticking out her tongue "I don't want to be late on my first day back on clinical duties!"

He stuck his tongue out and left the room. Ruth straightened her hair and clothes and met him in the hallway.

"I'm hungry." He complained "don't we even have time for a slice of toast?"

Ruth checked her watch and nodded.

"As long as we grab it and go." Ruth sighed

"Romantic." Jay said sarcastically

"I just don't want to be late!" Ruth protested

"I know. But your cute when your being strict." He replied

Ruth blushed as she slipped two slices of toast in the toaster. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck.

"Stop distracting me!" She said with a small smile

"But that's my job." He replied as the toast popped up and she slipped out of his arms to get the margarine from the fridge. She shook her head as she spread it on the toast and then passed Jay a slice.

"Happy?" Ruth asked ash they walked towards the door.

"Very." Jay replied before taking a big bite from his own slice of toast as Ruth locked up.

The ate their toast as they wandered downstairs and across to the bus stop they ate in silence. Jay chewed thoughtfully.

"Fancying going to the Pub tonight?" he asked after he swallowed his mouthful

"Sure." Ruth agreed with a small smile swallowing her last mouthful of toast as the bus pulled up.

"Erm I don't suppose you have a spare one pound fifty?" Jay asked running a hand through his messy hair.

"Honestly!" Ruth rolled her eyes. "I knew there was another reason you made us walk back last night."

"Sorry." He mumbled

"Its ok. Lucky for you I do have some extra cash." She said paying the bus driver for both of them and taking a seat in the middle of the bus. Jay slipped in next to her. Knowing they were going to spent the rest of the day keeping their distance from each other for the sake of what Ruth believed to be 'professionalism'.

-

The shift passed slowly for Jay, the emergency department was busy but it failed to distract him from his wistful thoughts of wanting to spend time with Ruth. He was relieved when six o'clock came around and he headed into the staff room where Ruth, Who had finished her shift half an hour earlier, was waiting with Zoe and Big Mac.

"Alright guys?" Jay asked "Heading over to the pub?"

"Yeah." Ruth nodded pretending Jay hadn't invited her earlier "I think we need a few well deserved drinks after such a busy day."

"She's right." Zoe said running a hand through her hair looking particularly tired.

They headed off together once Jay as changed, Ruth and Zoe discussing a complex case whilst Jay and Big Mac discussed the ins and outs of some television program that Ruth had never heard of. It was the first time Ruth or Jay had stepped into the familiar pub since they had become a secret couple a week earlier. Adam and Jess were already settled in one of the booths along with Charlie, Tess, Alice, Jeff, Dixie and to Ruth's surprise Toby.

Toby waved as he spotted Ruth entering the pub and She waved back shyly.

"You want a drink?" Jay asked

"Is it your round?" Ruth asked raising her eyebrows at him.

"Yeah" he nodded with a small sigh "Anyone else want one?"

"Now I wont say no to that offer!" Big Mac laughed "Mines pint"

Jay gave Ruth a look as if to say 'You've just cost me a fortune!' and produced his credit card.

Ruth simply smiled and accepted the Vodka and Coke that was pushed her way.

"Thanks Jay!" She nodded heading over to join Toby who was talking to Alice.

"Hey Tobes." She smiled slightly as she sat next to him.

"Hey Ruth! How are things?" He asked

"Good thanks" Ruth nodded "How about you?"

"Yeah good" Toby nodded

The conversation switched between topics and Jeff was soon doing his French man impression which had everyone in stitches including Ruth now she understood the history of the joke.

Excusing herself Ruth headed to the bar and ordered another drink. Toby joined her leaning on the bar as the bar maid passed Ruth her drink and her change.

"So?" Toby asked as he ordered his own drink.

"So what?" Ruth asked sipping her new glass of Vodka and Coke.

"You and Jay…?" Toby asked raising his eyebrows.

"What about us?" She blushed

"Couple yet?" he said simply passing the bar maid a ten pound note.

"Yes." Ruth blushed even redder

"Really? Congratulations!" Toby beamed wrapping his around her

"Just keep that…" She pointed at his mouth "Shut!"

"You can trust me." Toby winked as they headed over to the table .

"Trust you with what?" Jeff asked curiously

"To have forgotten to do the shopping again." Toby lied quickly "Ben's going to kill me."

Ruth was thankful for his cover up and she smiled appreciatively as she headed back to the table.

An hour and another glass of Vodka and Coke later Ruth was returning from the bathroom when she spotted Jay chatting to Jeff at the bar. She headed closer curious as to what they were discussing as she noticed that Jay was watching her closely.

"You and Ruth seem to be getting quite close." Ruth heard Jeff commenting.

"Me and Ruth? Nah!" Jay lied with a small faked laugh she heard him say.

Suddenly a wave a bravery flooded her body and she stepped up to his side. Hardly able to believe she was going to do what she was about to do.

"No." She said interrupting the conversation and coming up the Jay's side. Jay looked at her confused. She simply smiled at him.

"Everyone!" The nearly every other members of staff looked up curious about what Ruth was going to say. "Me and Jay are a couple" She announced. "and I couldn't be happier." She linked her hand into his and squeezed it tightly looking into his eyes. He smiled down at her and she realised with a jolt that as long as he was stood there next to her she would always be ok.


	20. Unexpected Visitor

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 20 - Unexpected Visitors **

Ruth was convinced that the whole department knowing about her new relationship with Jay would mean she wouldn't be respected professionally. What she didn't expect was the fact that nothing changed, she was still regarded as a hard working, smart doctor in training. There were only two things that had changed relating to work, one was that she and Jay could spend their breaks together if they wished and the other was that when they joined their colleagues on a night out they could actually hold hands or talk together without Ruth becoming overly paranoid. Infact the happiness she was currently feeling was making her work better and she was less stressed out which had caused a noticeable shift in her personality.

But Ruth couldn't help but worry nothing ever seemed to last, not where she was concerned.

"Ah Ruth!" Nick smiled as she opened the door to his familiar office.

"You wanted to see me?" Ruth asked

"Yes, come in, take a seat." He nodded.

Ruth sat down nervously. Was he going to tell her off? Had her work slipped that much since she'd started dating Jay? Was her job on the line? She would have to dump Jay if it was, her career was everything…

"Don't look so worried!" He chuckled slightly interrupting her thoughts " I thought it was about time for a catch up."

"Oh ok…" Ruth breathed a small sigh of relief, her performance must be up to scratch if this was a catch up, though she knew what that meant, the whole 'how are you coping' and 'can I pry into your life a little and make sure you are still vaguely sane' talk.

"How are things going?" Nick asked tapping his pen on the desk

"If you mean have you thought about killing yourself recently, the answer would be no. I'm happier than I have ever been." Ruth answered back bluntly, Nick smiled at her response. It was so blunt but he knew it was sincere.

"Well that's one way of putting it." Nick nodded as he smiled "I'm glad your happy." he added "And your work has never been better." Nick commented

"Thanks." Ruth mumbled

"Look Ruth, I have an another motive for asking you here today…" Nick admitted she looked up wondering what this other motive would turn out to be. "To put it simply I might not be around much longer." he told her

"Your leaving?" Ruth asked shocked

"Eventually yes, I will have no choice." Nick told her honestly he waved a hand slightly as if brushing off the curious look Ruth was giving him. "But before I go I want to make sure you are well on your way to one day being in the position to make clinical lead."

"Clinical lead?" Ruth asked surprised

"Yes. Surgery is not the be all and end all of medicine, there are positions much more exciting, much more influential in the procedure of saving lives, much more respected. Positions that requiring a quick and smart mind like your own. Positions that once you are fully trained you will be perfect ." Nick smiled "If you don't become the youngest clinical lead this department has ever seen I would be highly surprised. Though I guess it all comes down to what you want to do doesn't it?"

"I guess." Ruth nodded "You really think I'm good enough to be clinical lead?"

"Definitely." Nick smiled reassuringly "Obviously not right now, when I leave I intend to recommend Adam for the position or Zoe if he keeps being so stubborn. But in a couple of years I could easily see you replacing one of them."

Ruth beamed

"I think I'd like that." She said imagining herself running the whole department.

"I will be recommending you to go onto the Specialty Registrar training program. It is up to you if you accept the place and what you will study." Nick explained and Ruth smiled.

"Thank you." She replied simply

"You deserve it, you have put in a lot of hard work over the last two years and the personal trials you have overcome in that time seem to be helping you to become a brilliant doctor." He complimented her. Ruth blushed. "You will go far."

"Thanks, I should probably get back to work…" Ruth said awkwardly beginning to get to her feet.

"Just one more thing." Nick said as she stood up

"Yes?" Ruth asked running a hand through her messy hair.

"Don't tell anyone that I will be leaving in the near future. I would prefer to not have it spread around the department." Nick told her simply

"My lips are sealed." Ruth nodded

"Thank you." He smiled "Now I think I will join you. Its about time I left this ridiculous paperwork and did some hands on stuff for a bit!" he added standing up. "Have we had any interesting cases today?" he asked casually.

"Not really, the usual, Drunks, Kids who have injured themselves falling off or onto things, people who should have gone to their GP but instead decided to appear here, minor RTA's…" Ruth replied politely "Its looking like a quiet day so far."

"Never say that Ruth, that is when we end up dealing with a major catastrophe!" Nick winked as they reached the nurses station.

Bang! As if on cue the Emergency department doors flew open and a patient was wheeled through the door. Ruth was first to the trolley enthusiastic for a new challenge after Nick's compliments.

"This is Jonathon Winters, aged 28, laceration to the left check, bruising to the face, suspected broken wrist and bruising of the lower abdominal area, all vital signs are normal. He was involved in a brawl at Holby City Prison, Believed to be one of the main instigators of the fight, four more casualties on the way in, he is one of the least injured and must be escorted by a police guard at all times." Dixie informed the team. Ruth recoiled away from the stretcher as it passed freezing up a lump in her throat as she saw the familiar pair of cold grey eyes staring up at her.

"Doctor Winters, Resus now!" Nick yelled "don't just stand there!"

Ruth followed them in her head pounding with thoughts. He had been moved over to the bed, the paramedics had left and Nick had joined Adam examining the next patient who's injuries seemed much more severe. Ruth hesitantly lent over and began to examine the mans face. He smirked at her.

"Alright Ruthie?" He hissed quietly so his voice wasn't heard by the rest of the team

"Just shut up and hold still." She replied bitterly through clenched teeth as she examined him "There doesn't appear to be any sever damage to the abdominal area, Nurse Faldren could you bathe this wound and apply a couple of stitches to this laceration, I'm going to call orthopaedics to see to this wrist." she turned to walk away but then turned back "I see your still up to no good, just don't try anything in here." she added to the patient in a hiss.

"Wouldn't dare Ruthie." He smirked loudly as Jay eyed him up.

Ruth headed over to the phone to call orthopaedics. As Jay began stitching the wound. The police officers and a warden from the prison were loitering near the door looking strict as the next patient was brought in.

"Lets keep this civil." Ruth told Jonathon as Jay headed away from the bed to clean up and the other nurse chased up an x-ray. She avoided looking in the eyes that reminded her so much of her father. Instead she looked down at the floor.

"You'll never change things." Jonathon told Ruth "We'll always be your family, you can't change your DNA."

"Who said anything about this being about family, you're a patient, nothing more nothing less. The past is the past and I'm happy without any of you." Ruth told him bluntly

"Yeah right. I'll bet you Friday's portion of unappetising prison chocolate pudding that you still carry that picture, that you still want to turn back time, that you still don't fit in anywhere, that you still want to escape from our family, that you still long to be someone else and that you can't handle yourself any better than the rest of us.." he said pressing each of her buttons in turn winding her up.

Ruth's anger finally boiled over and she raised her hand to slap him but he got their first and grabbed her wrist.

"You Don't slap me." he said harshly reminding Ruth distinctly of her father "don't even try Ruthie." he smirked gripping tightly around her wrist and yanking her closer. "Respect your elders. Little bitch." she spat.

"What's going on here?" Jay asked concerned as he returned from the other side of resus.

"Nothing pretty boy." Jonathon spat pushing Ruth away "This is between me and Ruthie."

Jay looked at Ruth's expression, the fear was obvious in her eyes, she was rubbing her wrist and she looked close to tears.

"Well I'm Ruth's boyfriends so that means it involves me too especially if you are upsetting or threatening her." Jay stood up boldly

"Jay.." Ruth grabbed his arm "don't mess with him."

"No. No one hurts you Ruth, not anymore." Jay told her angrily pushing her back out of the way. She stopped dead fear pulsing through her body.

"Jay this is stupid!" Ruth said nervously as Jay began to approach Jonathan, fist raised.

His fist was centimetres from Jonathon's face, who was grinning slightly as if daring Jay to attack him.

"Stop! Please!" Ruth begged. Jay stopped and turned, fist still held in place to see Ruth stood their with tears pouring down her face.

"I just want you to be happy." he told her as his fist dropped to his side.

"I was until you started behaving like them!" She screamed before storming out

Jay stared at her back. Surely she didn't believe that. He was trying to protect her, he would never normally hurt a fly but her brother and her father had hurt his girlfriend so much, be couldn't help but want to cause them pain in return.

"Ruth!" he yelled at her retreating back. He glared at Jonathon and then ran after her as she ran from resus.

"No" Ruth yelled across the department. It was unprofessional but she didn't care. Images of her father coming at her with an empty whiskey bottle flicked through her mind and then the image of the cricket bat smacking down on her rib case and her brother laughter. Suddenly their faces were replaced by Jay's, she knew it was irrational but it scared her as she imagined him throwing a bottle at her and the blood tricking down her face.

"Come on!" Jay pleaded interrupting the thoughts and dragging her back to reality

"Go away!" she said her eyes at first had been full of anger now they were full of fear.

"I just wanted to help!" He tried to convince her unaware of the tricks her mind was playing on her.

"Well you did the exact opposite!" She screamed before running out of the front doors.

Her colleagues looked shocked at her outburst and Jay was beside himself completely unsure of what he could say or do to help calm her down.

Ruth didn't care anymore. She just ran. Away from Jay. Away from Jonathon. Away from her thoughts. Away from everything, including work. She eventually stopped collapsing a few streets away onto a wall. She wandered around for a good half an hour before she recognised one of the streets. She hadn't intended to end up there but she did. She followed the familiar footpath up to the heavy green door and knocked on the door, trying to bite back the tears but failing. The door creaked open and the familiar face of Toby peered out. His look of confusion was soon replaced by one of worry as he noticed the state of his former colleague.

"Ruth! What.." Toby started before Ruth flung herself on him sobbing. "Whoa, what's up?"

"Jay…" She mumbled into his now tear soaked t-shirt.

"What's he done?" Toby asked worried

"Mmph" she mumbled into his t-shirt

Toby pulled her inside and shut the door deciding this was probably not a conversation to be having on the doorstep. He directed her through to the living room, unlike Ruth who had scarped at the first sign of the return of Maggie's daughter, who she had never particularly gotten on with, he had not felt any great desire to have his own space, he had continued to live in Maggie's house and was now sharing the large building with Ben as well as Joanne and Lana. Ruth noticed that nothing seemed to have changed since she had last been in the room it made her feel much less anxious.

She collapsed on the sofa visibly shaking as the tears fell. Toby looked over at her worriedly.

"I swear to god if he has broken your heart I'm going to punch him." Toby said in his own version of a threatening voice passing her a tissue.

Ruth couldn't help but smile at the idea of Toby punching anyone let alone Jay, it would be like the Easter bunny trying to punch Mike Tyson.

"Hey that wasn't a joke!" Toby said sitting down next to her and looking vaguely offended at her smile.

"I know, but still the idea of you punching anyone let alone Jay is quite amusing." Ruth pointed out wiping her eyes on the tissue Toby had passed her.

"So what's up?" Toby asked gently

"Nothing." Ruth mumbled

"Ruth you just turned up on my doorstep sobbing you heart out." Toby pointed out "That is not the Ruth I know, the Ruth I know is tough as nails and would rather die than be caught in a vulnerable position."

Ruth looked up at him and he squeezed her shoulder encouragingly.

"My brother turned up in the emergency department." Ruth looked down at her feet "Jay tried to start a fight with him." She explained "I thought he was different from them, I don't want him to be violent..."

"Look Ruth you've never told me much about your family, From the whispers I've heard around the department, they don't sound like the nicest of people. Jay is a decent guy, he would never hurt you in any way shape of form and he's definitely not violent." Toby said softly "I would imagine he was just sticking up for you." he added comfortingly

"I'm over reacting aren't I?" Ruth asked

"Quite possibly." Toby said wrapping an arm around her and holding her close as the tears slowed.

"Nick… Mr Jordan is recommending me for the Speciality Registrar course." Ruth admitted "He thinks that one day I would make a brilliant clinical lead."

"Now that I could see you doing!" Toby laughed "Bossing people about has always been your special talent."

"You think I could do it?" She looked up at Toby nervously "I'm not sure I would be good enough."

"You could do anything you put your mind to." Toby replied simply "As I told you last year. One of us has to succeed and that is going to be you." He smiled slightly and she buried her head in his chest.

"Thank you." She mumbled

"No problem." He replied rubbing her back "I will always be here if you need someone to talk to ok?" he added gently "That's what friends are for."

-

Ruth felt ashamed and rather lonely as she headed home five hours later. She was still wearing her scrubs, her make up was smudged and her hair messy. As she reached her block of flats she spotted a figure sat on the steps. She immediately recognised his dark curly hair and she felt a pang of guilt as she noticed how worried, scared and upset he looked. He sat their checking his watch every two seconds, his phone in his hand. He looked up for a second and spotted her approaching. He immediately jumped up and she stopped.

"There you are!" Jay said as he stepped closer a look of relief crossing his face "Please don't run…" he added quickly.

"I'm not going to." Ruth replied taking a step nearer

"Where have you been?" He asked worriedly "I was going to give you five more minutes then I was going to call the police…"

"What on earth for?" Ruth asked

"Because I wasn't sure what you might do." He replied simply "and your phone is off and you weren't answering the door…"

"I was round at Toby's." Ruth informed him "I didn't mean to go there I was just running and realised I was near to his house… he talked some sense into me." She blushed "I'm sorry Jay, I really didn't mean to freak out at you."

"Don't apologise, Its my fault, I didn't mean to upset you, I just wanted to protect you." He said coming closer.

"I know. I know you wouldn't hurt me, your not like them and I know I over reacted…" She bit her lip

"Everyone is worried about you." Jay said softly

"I wish they weren't" Ruth said avoiding looking in his eyes, she walked past Jay and sat down on the steps, Jay turned around and sat down next to her.

"You were screaming so loudly they thought the building might collapse." He smiled slightly

"Stop over exaggerating." Ruth laughed nervously shaking her head

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the cheek.

"Your brother is an idiot." he said, she stiffened up slightly. "He beat up the police guard, or tried to."

"Always the same." Ruth replied sadly she looked up into his eyes only to notice one of them was beginning to bruise. "You didn't…"

"No he jumped me." Jay replied "I promise you I wasn't asking for it and I didn't fight back. The police guard tried to restrain him and that's when he attacked the poor guy."

She ran a finger over the bruised area.

"I'm your Prince Charming, You knight in shining armour." He smiled slightly

"Idiot in dirty scrubs is more like it." Ruth mumbled.

"Oi!" Jay protested folding his arms pretending to be hurt. "I have the pants to prove it."

"Unfortunately I know." Ruth wrinkled her nose

"You love them really." He winked "Anyway soon you'll have a matching pair Cinders."

"If I so much as see a pair of pants with 'Cinders' written on the back I will not hesitate to thrown you out wearing just your boxers." Ruth threatened

"Aww come on.." Jay protested "It'll be like his and hers pants…"

Ruth gave him a death glare and he laughed.

"You know you'd love it!" Jay winked.

"You know I wouldn't." Ruth scowled


	21. A Helping Hand

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 21 - A Helping Hand **

It was almost a week since Ruth's brother had appeared and Ruth had just about got over the embarrassment of having a minor breakdown in front of her colleagues. Nick had been following her around like some sort of shadow, offering more advice than at times it was possible for even her to take in, she was beginning to wonder exactly how much longer he would be in the emergency department as he always seemed to be in a rush to tell her everything. Her relationship with Jay had avoided any more major issues, so far anyway.

"Ruth could you take this one?" Adam asked as he spotted her coming and offering her a file "She's requested you." Ruth looked shocked, most people asked not to be treated by her, she took the file and headed towards the cubicle looking down at the name on the file and her heart leapt 'Elham Faldren' She sighed and slid the curtain back.

"Ellie?" Ruth asked gently, she had her arms wrapped around her legs. She looked up hearing Ruth's familiar voice.

"Please don't tell Jay I'm here." Ellie pleaded her eyes full of tears

"Why shouldn't I?" Ruth asked "He'll be worried about you."

"I know." Ellie looked nervous

"What's happened?" Ruth asked gently.

"It was an accident." Ellie looked ashamed.

"What was?" Ruth asked softly feeling the nerves in the usually quite confident teens voice.

Ellie didn't speak she simply rolled up her sleeve revealing a haphazardly placed bandage which didn't seem to be doing a very good job as blood had seeped through it and on closer inspection onto Ellie's jumper. But it wasn't the bandage that had attracted Ruth's attention. It was the other marks and scars surrounding it. Ruth felt like someone had punched her in the stomach, the injury had obviously been self inflicted.

"Lets have a look." Ruth said calmly swallowing her nerves and stepping up. She carefully pealed the bandage away and examine the gaping wound. "Oh Ellie.. This is pretty deep…"

"I didn't mean to…" Ellie told her once more

"How long has it been going on?" Ruth asked carefully looking the teenager in the eye.

"A while." Ellie shrugged. "Please don't tell Jay he'll hate me…"

"Oh sweetie he could never hate you, he loves you and your sisters too much." Ruth told her sadly

"I was trying to find mum." She admitted looking up at Ruth. "I know how she's treated our family is wrong but I missed her." she told Ruth sadly "The thing is although Dad had vanished completely she hadn't, for the first eight years of my life although she was in and out of our lives but when she was there she was the I remember her as most brilliant mum! She was so caring, loving, fantastic. I just figured it wasn't as bad as Nan and Jay made out so I've been tracking her down for a few weeks now. But as I've just found out she isn't even slightly the same person anymore."

Ruth's heart went out to the teen, she had once desperately believed that when she slipped into the cigarette-smoke filled house each evening that her own father would be sober, that he would have changed. It never happened.

Ruth settled herself down on the edge of the bed, it was totally unprofessional but it felt right.

"You, your sisters and your brother are all really lucky. You might not realise it but you are. You have your Nan and you have each other. When I was your age I had no one." Ruth admitted "Do you know why I was staying at yours a few months back?" Ruth asked half of her unable to believe she was about to admit this to Ellie.

"No, Why?" Ellie asked looking up.

"I tried to kill myself." Ruth admitted "It was the second time. I felt so alone and lost, I struggled so much to accept my past and I also struggled to accept any failure in my work everything had to be perfect. So when I lost the rotation I had been working so hard for and my work started to slip, I took the only way out I could see at the time."

"I wasn't trying to kill myself…" Ellie said suddenly "I just have all these feelings and sometimes they get too much so I cut and then I feel better…"

"Oh I know you weren't, most people who self harm say it is their way of coping with their life." Ruth reassured her "Feelings about what?"

"I just… I guess things could be a lot more… normal. I wish I had a mum and a dad like everyone else. Sometimes I think it was my fault. Dad didn't leave until I was born, Mum didn't do the drugs regularly until she had me, There's always been this little thing at the back of my mind which makes me think it was me. Jay and Leila might still have a Mum and a Dad if it wasn't for me." She sighed the thoughts that had been plaguing her mind for months, possibly years slipping out.

"I don't think it was your fault, they made their own choices, you were an innocent child, if anyone was in the wrong it was them for abandoning your family." Ruth pointed out sensibly

"I feel so guilty feeling like this." Ellie admitted "And I feel worse each time I do it, I know Nan would freak if she found out and Jay will probably kick me out too…"

"He would never do that." Ruth comforted her "He's not kicked me out yet and he puts up with all my problems and I'm not even related to him!"

Ellie smiled nervously.

"He's a smart one your brother. You know what he said to me once?" Ruth smiled to herself

"What?" Ellie asked

"He said 'I'm a joker, you're a bitch everyone deals with things differently' and as always he's right, we all have our problems, we all deal in different ways, some are worse than others, some are more dangerous, some are just fronts." Ruth said slipping her hand into Ellie's and squeezing it tightly. "I personally just couldn't believe the cheeky sod had called me a bitch!" she laughed and Ellie smiled "Sometimes we just need that someone to point us in the right direction."

"Will you tell Jay?" Ellie asked suddenly looking worried.

"No but I think you should." Ruth told her gently. "He'll probably be upset, its understandable but he will be there for you."

Ellie nodded slightly

"I can be with you when you do if you want?" She suggested

"I think that would help. Thanks." Ellie smiled slightly

"Now lets get this seen too." Ruth said softly pulling on some rubber gloves and beginning to deal with the wound that had brought the teen into the emergency department in the first place. "Once we are done I will get you an appointment with one of the members of the psychiatry department, I'm going to get you through this sweetie ok?" Ruth said looking into Ellie's eyes.

"Thanks Ruth." Ellie nodded with a small smile.

-

Ruth was sat on the sofa in Jay's Nan's living room. Ellie was sat next to her. Looking down at the floor. Jay's Nan had gone to pick up River from a friends house so they were alone, Ruth's shift finished an hour before Jay's so they were waiting for Jay to finish his own shift at the hospital and return home.

The door banged open at precisely seven thirty and Jay could be heard humming tp himself as he hung up his coat, made himself a drink and then entered the living room where Ruth and Ellei had been half holding their breath.

"Alright El?" He asked as he spotted his younger sister on the sofa "Ruth! what are you doing here? I thought you said something about revision?" he added confused as he spotted Ruth sat next to her.

"Ellie wants to talk to you about something." Ruth said simply giving Ellie and encouraging half smile.

"What's going on?" Jay asked looking between the two of them

Ellie bit her lip. Unsure exactly how to tell Jay what had been going on.

"Ruth treated me in the emergency department earlier." Ellie mumbled

"What? You didn't tell me!" he looked at Ruth who brushed it off with a wave of her hand.

Ellie couldn't bring herself to say the words that were on the edge of tongue so she rolled up her sleeve to show Ruth's handy work with the bandage and the surrounding scars.

"Sorry." She mumbled

"What." Jay's face paled as he looked at the scars "Why the hell would you do something so stupid!"

Ellie burst into tears, stood up and ran from the room.

"Go after her!" Ruth yelled at him immediately. "Don't you dare let her run out, Go and talk to her and be there for her Jay! The poor girl is in pieces, she thinks that everything is her fault."

"What gives you the right…" Jay started anger building in her voice.

"Because I'm not so perfect and I don't see you yelling at me and telling me I'm stupid!" Ruth told him angrily "She needs you."

Jay looked ashamed and left the room to find Ellie. Ruth breathed deeply and flopped back down on the sofa, the guy was an idiot at times.

Jay headed upstairs and climbed the ladder to Ellie's room.

"Ellie?" He asked with a sigh "Can I come in?"

"No." Was the response he got

"Tough." He replied opening the door and letting himself in.

"I said no." Ellie mumbled into her pillow

"Look I'm sorry I should have been more tactful." Jay said sitting down on the edge of her bed. "But I don't get it, where did I go wrong?" he wondered sadly "I thought everything was going ok? Were a good family aren't we? I try so hard to look out for you, Leila and River and I guess I failed."

"You are the best brig brother I could ever want." Ellie replied sitting up. "Its not about you."

"Why couldn't you talk to me?" Jay asked sadly

"Because its not something I could just walk up to you and blurt out, what am I supposed to do come up to you and say 'Oh sorry to interrupt you Jay but I just cut myself'." She said sarcastically

"You could have told me that something was bothering you." Jay said wrapping his arm around her

She shrugged

"So what exactly has been going on?" he asked wrapping his arm around his younger sister who looked down.

"I love our family." Ellie confessed "But sometimes I feel like it only went wrong because I was born."

"What on earth would make you think that?" Jay looked confused

"Dad only left and Mum only starting taking the drugs once I was born." Ellie said sadly

"Look Ellie there a lot you don't know about our family." Jay sighed knowing he was going to have to tell Ellie the whole story behind their parents to show her that nothing had been caused by her.

"Mum met dad when she was 15 and he had just turned 16. I was the result of a quick summer fling. When I was born Nan became my sole carer because mum was busy with her A levels and simply couldn't take care of me, she was just a child herself. She and Dad kept in touch and he would come over to tea every now and again. Nan told me Dad was actually quite a good father to begin with, When he visited he would play with me, feed me, even bring me the odd gift. He was as good as you could expect a teenage boy to be with a kid really" He began

"They both moved on, Mum failed her A levels and ended up starting to work in a club, she was hooked on drugs by the time she was 19, Dad passed his own A levels and that's when they lost touch, he went on to do a business degree at Cambridge university and he wasn't around for the next three years of my life." he continued "Nan continued to take brilliant care of me."

"On my Fifth birthday he had finished his course and was back in Holby looking for work and decided to get in touch with my Mum again. They met up for the first time after three years decided to start dating. Dad got a job in a local firm and Mum continued working at the bar secretly taking drugs on a regular basis. After two months they decided to move in together and become a family. Mum stopped working in the club and attempted to take care of me whilst being almost constantly high on whatever she could get her hands on. Nan knew something was up but she had no power to take me off mum. I distinctly remember the grubby flat, I remember Mum pretty much always being on the sofa during the day, She usually forgot about me if I wasn't at nursery so I entertained myself. Dad would return at night as she would become the perfect housewife and Mother." Jay looked a little sad at the memory.

"when she fell pregnant with Leila she admitted to Dad about the drugs, he didn't quite know how to handle things so his first decision was to get her on a methadone program with Nan taking me too school and looking after me on the weekends, She did actually do well and was clean by the time Leila was born, I returned to living with them full time, She actually took care of me, walked me and from school, played games with me, everything. Dad at this time was desperately trying to climb the business ladder, three years later Mum was pregnant with you when Dad got an opportunity in London, he wasn't intending to go at first but the day after you were born he announced he was leaving because his career was more important." Jay scowled

"Mum couldn't cope. Luckily Nan worked out that she needed help the first time she visited after Dad left or we could have ended up in the care of social services. We all moved back here, Nan took care of us as Mum insisted on getting her old job back, which led to her becoming hooked on the drugs again, the club kicked her out about a year later and she started hanging around with some rather nasty characters." Jay's face clearly said what he thought of the men his mum had hung around with.

"Nan didn't want to throw her out but she wanted to take us and move in with this man she called 'Big Dan' he was the gangster type, a club owner and known drug dealer. Nan drew the line, said we were not going anywhere. Mum lived with him for about a year. I remember her visiting, off her face on the drugs. It wasn't nice. Their relationship lasted about two years, you were about three when she moved back. Nan insisted she went back on the methadone program, Mum became a very good liar. She told Nan she was on the program."

"She was a good Mum when she was about." Ellie said screwing up her face as she thought about her mum "I'm sure she was."

"Oh yes she was from when she started pretending to be off the drugs. She stayed out a lot, she told Nan she had a boyfriend and a new job, she had neither, she had started sleeping with men for money or drugs or both."

"When you were about 8 you were tucked up safely in bed, as was Leila. I was supposed to be going up to bed but I was having a hot chocolate with Nan in the living room as I watched the end of a movie. That was when she staggered back into the house, drunk and obviously high." Jay sighed "I was shocked I had seen her like that when I was small but by then I knew it wasn't normal, she was supposedly clean. Her and Nan had a massive row, She told Nan she had not been clean since you were born so Nan packed a bag and told her to go and sort herself out because we deserved a better Mum." Jay explained.

"You know the rest of the story, She didn't sort herself out, Nearly three years later she had put River on the doorstep and tried to run." Ellie nodded "If anyone caused the breakdown of the family this it was Dad and her not you. Its about time you knew everything."

"Ruth said we were lucky to have each other." Ellie told him

"We are." Jay agreed "And without Nan we would probably have been put in care or left in a situation that it isn't worth thinking about."

"I found mum." Ellie admitted suddenly.

"What." Jay said the look that crossed his face a mixture of fear, anger and worry.

"She's living with a guy." Ellie told him "He threw me out, She was high and drunk. I hoped… I though she might be the mum I remembered from when I was little, the friendly caring one, I wished and hoped and prayed she might have found help. She hasn't."

"Steer clear of her Ellie. Please, She has always hung around with a nasty crowd and She will do anything for drugs, I would hate for her to use you in anyway."

"I'm never going looking for her again, All I need is right here." Ellie half smiled.

"You have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that.." Jay sighed

Ellie smiled slightly

"Now we've got to get you through this." He gestured at her arm "Its not healthy.."

"I don't want to do it." Ellie sighed "It was just the only way to get the feelings to go away. Sort of like a distraction. The second the blade touches my skin I'm focusing on that and nothing else."

"How long has it been going on?" He asked reaching across and rolling her sleeve up again so he could examine the cuts.

"A couple of years." Ellie admitted truthfully "The more I thought it might be my fault, the more I hated myself, so the worse it got."

"I do wish you could have just come to me." Jay sighed "Asked me about Mum, told me about how you felt."

"We never talk about her, I didn't want to upset you, I was so scared you would hate me even more." Ellie closed her eyes blinking away the tears that were threatening to fall.

"I could never hate you Ellie, the only reason I reacted the way I did is because I love you Ellie, I just want to take care of you, I want to protect you from being hurt in anyway yet you are hurting yourself and it breaks my heart." Jay told her sadly a tear escaping form his own eye.

"I'm so sorry." Ellie mumbled

"Don't be." Jay told her gently

"I'm getting help, I'm going to stop." Ellie confessed "Ruth has referred me to the psychiatric department. She said she was going to get me though it."

"She knows her job." Jay smiled slightly "and she's a special girl. But she finds it hard to let anyone in."

"I noticed." Ellie replied "I was unsure of her at first, so cold but so unsure of herself. But earlier she told me about why she was living with us and it kind of clicked." Ellie told him "She's obviously been though some bad stuff in her life and I think she must have felt so alone."

"Unfortunately she has, you can only imagine the pain she must have been though in her life. The stories I've managed to get from her so far are nothing short of horrific. She's had the sort of life you wouldn't wish on anybody and she's always been alone throughout." Jay explained briefly "She over works herself as a distraction but also to make up for her past, But one day soon she's going to get everything she deserves." Jay nodded "she wouldn't have said something like that unless she meant it."

"I hope she does" Ellie smiled

"Oh I know she will." Jay nodded


	22. Birthday Parties and Frogs

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 22 - Birthday Parties and Frogs. **

It was a dull November's day, the sky was grey and it looked like it was either going to snow or rain. But it was River's eighth birthday and they were celebrating by meeting up with a few of her friends in the park.

Jay's Nan had produced a picnic basket and the five of them they had bundled themselves up in plenty of layers. River was over the moon at the idea of the picnic but was refusing to put any layers on over her brand new rabbit t-shirt, which had been a present from Ruth. Instead Jay had been forced into carrying an armful of jumpers and coats by his Nan 'incase' she got cold later.

"How are things going?" Ruth asked quietly as they set up the picnic cloth together

"Good thanks." Ellie nodded gratefully "You?"

"Couldn't be happier." Ruth smiled "Though I'm not sure about this 'entertaining five seven/eight year olds' business…"

"Your brilliant with River!" Ellie pointed out as she put the picnic basket in the middle of the rug.

"Yes but she's the only kid I've ever been able to mange a conversation with." Ruth admitted "They usually hate me…"

"Well your going to enjoy today then!" Ellie laughed

Ruth looked mildly unimpressed but she was soon laughing as she spotted Jay's Nan trying to make him look respectable by dragging a comb through his wild locks.

"She does that a lot." Ellie laughed "I'll be next…" she added shooting her Nan a look "She's brilliant but it gets to the point of being irritating very easily."

Ruth laughed as Jay's Nan approached them pulling out a handkerchief and beginning to wipe Ellie's face.

"Nan!" She protested

Ruth couldn't help but smile as she watched Ellie be 'neatened up' by her Nan only to find herself seconds later having the comb dragged through her own hair.

Horrifically embarrassed she joined Jay who had immediately re-ruffled his own hair and was in hysterics as he watch Ruth being 'groomed' by his Nan. Seconds later her look of embarrassment turned in to pure terror as three of the seven year olds arrived. Bouncing around and giggling with River like some sort of manic dolls.

River's friends were a lively bunch to put it mildly, They were introduced to Ruth as Freya, Bethany, Lizzie, Holly and Amy. Their parents have gone off looking thankful for the peace and quiet as they giggled and played some sort of chasing game which Ruth couldn't figure out the rules off.

Jay was soon entertaining the five little horrors and River down by the pond.

"What are they doing down there?" Ruth wondered allowed as she and Ellie watched him whilst Jay's Nan sat on the Picnic rug knitting.

"Ruth! Ruth! Ruth!" River giggled running up to Ruth excitedly "Come look at what we've been doing!"

"Um Sure…" Ruth said eyeing up the pond, Jay and the seven/eight year olds nervously as River grabbed her hand and dragged her towards the it. She could here Ellie laughing behind her and she looked back shooting the teenager a glare.

Ruth immediately regretted letting River drag her over to the pond as Freya approached her.

"Look!" she exclaimed producing a frog which she held up by its leg

"Oh jeez put it back!" Ruth said stepping back from the frog wide eyed

"I'm keeping him!" Freya announced

"Don't like frogs Ruth?" Jay asked holding out his hands revealing a large slimy green one.

"No I had a bad experience with one…" Ruth started before screaming loudly as Jay thrust the frog towards her face. She ran. He chased her.

"Jay stop!" She screeched forgetting about everything but the horrible slimy creature in his hands

"Ribbit Ribbit!" Jay laughed heading into the bushes to corner her, she slowed down slightly noticing he had disappeared looking around warily.

"Eeeeek!" Ruth screamed as Jay appeared from behind a bush deep in the forest like trees around the park. The frog saw its chance and jumped from its captors hands. Landing directly on her head.

"Get it off! get it off! get it off! get it off!" Ruth screeched waving her arms

As Jay fell about laughing. She kicked him on the shin. Hard.

"Ouch!" He complained

"Get. It. Off. Now." She said bluntly standing frozen a look of terror on her face.

He stood up, pouted and then removed the creature throwing it on the floor where it immediately disappeared into the bushes obviously traumatised by the whole experience.

"Well now I have you to myself." he moved closer.

"Don't you think about it!" Ruth scolded him angrily "That was not funny!"

"Your cute when your angry." He replied kissing her on the lips, drawing her in.

"If you weren't an incredibly good kisser…" She mumbled wrapping her arms around him and kissing him back passionately.

"Ew!" a little voice said interrupting their kissing "That's disgusting! You've probably got cooties now!"

The pulled apart to see Bethany staring up at them.

"Your turn!" Jay laughed lunging at the seven year old who screeched and ran away.

"How do they find a kissing a boy disgusting yet will pick up frogs?" Ruth wondered aloud as Jay laughed

"That's your typical seven year old for you." He smirked "Now where were we?" he added pulling her close again.

"Getting back to the others before your poor Nan and Ellie get run ragged by the little things?" Ruth suggested putting a finger on his lips.

"Spoil sport." Jay pouted

Ruth lead the way out of the woods and back to the picnic rug where Jay's Nan had produced a rather beautifully hand decorated cake in the shape of a rabbit. Ruth couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy as they sat down with the now a little calmer group of children. She had never had a birthday cake let alone one so beautifully decorated. Infact she had never had or even been to a birthday party.

She was however very relieved to see Freya's frog had evidently been put back in the pond. Children where bad enough but Frogs too.. She shivered, Urgh.

The food was passed out, Small sandwiches cut into the shape of rabbits, bowls of crisps and snacks, little cakes and biscuits. Ruth couldn't help but smile as she filled her plate with the cheerful party food. The children chattered away cheerfully and innocently, The subject switching between of bunnies and frogs to high school musical and the school play.

Once they had finished eating they sang 'Happy Birthday' to River and then they were off back into maniacal doll mode, screeching and playing, rolling down hills, doing handstands, being given piggy backs by Jay who evidently had no problem acting like a eight year old boy.

Ruth took up a seat under a large oak tree watching them play. Ellie joined her. They sat in a companionable silence for a good half hour as Jay played

"So simple isn't it." Ruth said interrupting the silence

"Oh yes." Ellie nodded "Oh to be eight without a care in the world.."

"I wish my childhood was more like River's" Ruth said wistfully

"That bad?" Ellie asked sensing Ruth's sadness

"For my eighth birthday I spent the day in A&E." Ruth sighed sadly

"Oh." Ellie replied not knowing what to say

"I ran in front of a car by accident." Ruth told her "It was actually my best birthday from what I remember. The only one where no one yelled at me or threw me about or ignored me." she admitted sadly

"Your family sounds horrible." Ellie said a hint of sadness in her voice

"They were." Ruth looked longingly at the children playing "It hurts you know? To see them so happy and to know I was denied that happiness by my own family."

Ellie simply put and arm around Ruth's shoulder.

"You have us now, You've definitely become part of our family, if you like it or not." Ellie told her "I personally don't know where I would be without your help."

"It was nothing." Ruth brushed it off

"When your still struggling through your own depression to try and help lift someone else out of theirs can not be an easy thing to do." Ellie pointed out

"I'm not struggling..." Ruth mumbled

"You are." Ellie said wisely "I am too. You can see that there is still that little bit of sadness in your eyes, its well hidden but sometimes it comes out."

"Time will be the best healer." Ruth said softly "For both of us."

"Yes." Ellie nodded as River appeared giggling and grabbed Ruth's hand

"You have to see what Jay's found!" She giggled happily and Ruth smiled. Ellie winked at her as She stood up and nodded at the younger girl before being dragged towards the edge of the forest to where they were playing in a small den made of twigs and logs.

Ruth let River show her around and involve her a bit before she slipped back off towards Ellie who was reading and Jay's Nan who was knitting again sat on the picnic rug.

The rabble soon appeared from out of the forest and were back to playing some sort of chasing game again.

Ruth settled back against the tree with her diary and scribbled a few words into it before a cry caught her attention.

"I fell over!" Amy was sobbing

"Why don't we let Ruth have a look at you? She's a proper doctor you know!" Jay told the little girl ignoring Ruth's look of complete and utter terror as he brought her over. She slipped the diary back into her coat pocket and ran a hand through her hair. "Dr Winters we have a patient who has had a little bit of accident!" he said to Ruth as he produced a small first aid kit from the picnic basket. Ruth glared at him but then turned to the child.

"How did you do that." She asked stiffly as the child hobbled over to her

"I fell over." Amy said tearfully

"Lets have a look." She said picking up an antiseptic wipe as Jay wandered off back ot the other children "Now this might sting a little bit." She explained

"Ouch!" The little girl screeched

"Sorry." Ruth said her voice softening as she realised the little girl was no scarier than River. "Now how about I put some magic antiseptic cream on it and then a big plaster?" she suggested

"Ok." Amy replied

Ruth gently rubbed on the cream and put a large plaster over the scrape.

"Good as new." Ruth smiled

"Thank you Doctor Ruth!" Amy said hugging Ruth before skipping off to play with the others, Ruth felt a small tingling feeling in her stomach

"I thought you were useless with kids?" Ellie laughed appearing from behind Ruth

"Well maybe I'm a little better with them since I met River." Ruth smiled slightly

Soon the parents had begun to arrive to take their little darlings home. Ruth breathed a sigh of relief that didn't go un noticed by Jay who was now lying on the floor looking rather tired.

Ruth sat down next to him as River and Ellie helped their Nan pack up the picnic.

"Knackered." he mumbled and Ruth smiled

"You've been running around like an idiot all afternoon why am I not surprised." Ruth said cheekily

He reached up grabbed the front of her top and pulled her down on top of him.

"Jay!" Ruth screeched before he placed it lips on hers. They kissed for a few seconds before Ruth flopped down next to him.

"Stay at ours." Jay said suddenly as he rolled onto his side

"What?" Ruth blushed rolling over so she facing him.

"Stay. At. Ours." Jay replied "Please?"

"I guess I could but wont your Nan think…" Ruth bit her lip

"You're my girlfriend she wont think anything. Its perfectly normal." He kissed her nose "You worry too much."

Ruth smiled slightly.

"I guess I do. Ok then." She nodded as River began calling their names.

"Good." Jay smiled standing up and offering her his hand which she took.

She stood up and they walked back to the others hand in hand.


	23. Reindeer and Boxers

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 23 - Reindeer and Boxers **

November turned into December and Ruth began to feel the uneasiness that she always felt as the world prepared for Christmas day. Christmas was just another day as far as Ruth was concerned the hype around it only made her hate it even more, she was like the grinch only a little less green.

River had steadily become more and more excitable as the weeks passed. The night of the school play was approaching fast, she kept singing the same songs over and over so much that even Ruth had begun humming them at work and Jay was likely to burst out into an out of tune chorus of 'rocking around the Christmas tree' as he treated a patient each day causing several glares in his direction from Tess.

Soon it was the night of the play. Ruth and Jay headed home from work together hand in hand to be met by a very bouncy eight year old, a worn out looking Nan and Ellie. They caught the bus to one of the more local comprehensive schools which River's small primary school usually visited for their swimming lessons and gymnastics sessions. Tonight they were borrowing a drama room from the comprehensive school especially for the play as their own school hall was too small to accommodate all the parents and students. The building itself was quite old, the seats towered towards the roof and the whole room smelt slightly musty like it wasn't used that often.

Ruth and Jay followed His Nan and Ellie, who was not looking too impressed about being dragged away from the night out she had planned with her friends, towards some of the seats closer to the small stage. River was waving wildly at them from her place amongst the rest of the children, Jay pulled a silly face and her and she pulled one back, Ruth hit him and gave him a 'stop being so immature' look so he pulled a face at her too.

"Its like being out with an entire bunch of children!" Jay's Nan tutted as Ruth rolled her eyes.

They took their seats and Ruth watched as the other seats around them filled up with relatives of the children, Mums, Dads, Brothers, Sisters, Aunties, Uncles and Grandparents. The teachers were shepherding the children into their seats across the back and sides of the stage.

River was now sat amongst the other reindeers her hand made costume perfect in every aspect from the small antlers, brown fluffy body suit and little black face painted nose. Ruth couldn't help but smile, she had always wished she could join in with the school plays but she never could because she knew her mum would never make her a costume, she had to stick with being a member of the choir or some other simple, not very dressed up role.

She sighed slightly, it was these little things she had missed out on as a child that made her the saddest, true she hated the memories of being hurt by her father but she could live with them, she could even take the memories of being ignored and memories of looking after herself day after day. But it was these missing memories, all the things she had missed out on or not being allowed to do, all these simple things, things children should be allowed to enjoy. Knowing what she had missed out on hurt more then time her brother pushed her down the stair well on the estate.

Her eyes were full of tears as she watched River's happy smiling face. Jay noticed her tensing up and her eyes filling with tears and he gently reached over and squeezed her hand as if he was reading her thoughts.

She smiled slightly. She couldn't change the past but she could make sure River never had to experience the sort of childhood she had had.

She made a silent promise to herself and to River that she would personally make sure that the little girl she had grown so fond of would always be happy and looked after.

A Promise she would never let herself break.

The lights dulled and Ruth felt that tingle of excitement, The children burst into song and she felt her heart lift as the cheerful Christmas themed songs filled her ears and she felt the simple innocence and joy radiating from the small group of children.

River had a small role in the play, along with all the other children sang with them as part of the choir, then when it came to the reindeer bits she did a little dance with the other children dressed as reindeers and sang few solo lines in one of the verses of Rudolf the red nose reindeer.

By the end Ruth was beaming proudly, clapping madly with the rest of the parents and family members.

"Did you like it Ruth?" River asked with a big grin on her face as they picked her up from amongst her excitable classmates.

"It was brilliant." Ruth smiled "You were brilliant sweetie."

"Well done River!" Jay's Nan smiled proudly

"I think I may have enough money for a McDonalds on the way home after that performance!" Jay winked ruffling her hair affectionately

"Jamshid! You know what I think of those places!" Jay's Nan scolded him

"I know Nan but a treat never hurts." Jay shrugged winking at River so his Nan couldn't see, Ruth got the feeling he treated his little sister a lot more than his Nan would like to know about.

"Ok, but if she doesn't sleep after all those additives…" Jay's Nan's eyes narrowed slightly

"I will personally pin her to the bed until she falls asleep." Jay responded "Lets go."

They wandered out of the school and down towards the town centre River bouncing around Ellie's ankles telling her sister how she was going to be an actress or a singer and be famous all over the country.

They entered the local McDonalds and Jay ordered their meals, once they had been passed over on one of the old chipped trays they took their seats at one of the plastic tables and tucked into their greasy fries and burgers, ridiculously thick milkshakes and sugary pop drinks that contained enough sugar to send River's entire class hyper.

Simple but perfect. Ruth decided as she slurped her milkshake. She felt for the first time like she was actually becoming a part of Jay's family as she watched River playing with the plastic toy she had gotten from her happy meals.

After they had finished eating Jay paid for a taxi so they wouldn't have to wait for the bus and they arrived back at the house, Jay's Nan insisted on making them all hot chocolates before River went to bed. Ellie politely declined and scuttled off to her bedroom leaving the four of them sipping the warm drinks, discussing River's play in the living room. Eventually Jay's Nan announced that River had been awake long enough lead the now slightly woozy eight year old up the stairs.

Ruth decided it was about time to be heading back to her flat so she stoop up.

"I'm going to head off." She smiled as Jay stood up too

"Do you have to?" Jay said sadly

"Yes its getting late." Ruth nodded

"Stay over." Jay pouted as Ruth went to pick up her coat off the arm of the chair.

"I should really be…" She was interrupted buy him kissing her

"Please?" He asked cheekily

"Well when you put it that way…" She started, He simply wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply. "I guess it wouldn't be such a bad idea…"

He offered her his hand, she accepted it and he lead her upstairs.

-

Ruth loved watching Jay sleep, he usually slept soundly, occasionally snoring. He always looked so peaceful and beautiful but today was a little different he seemed a bit fitful, Ruth gently ran a hand over his head and his eyes flew open, breathing deeply.

"You ok?" She asked carefully

"Fine" he mumbled blinking his eyes a little before smiling up at her "Do I get a kiss better?" He tried cheekily

"If your fine then you don't need a kiss better!" Ruth pointed out

"Worth a try." he smiled lopsidedly "Have I told you how gorgeous you look in the mornings?"

Ruth blushed and yawned

"I'm going to go and get a coffee." She announced slipping out of the bed and pulled on one of his shirts with a pair of his boxers.

"Mmph" He replied his face now back into the pillows.

She rolled her eyes and padded out onto the familiar landing yawning tiredly as she ran a hand threw her messy bed hair.

She stopped in her tracks. There was an unfamiliar girl stood at the top of the stairs, a suitcase by her feet. Her hair was long and dark like Jay's but it had obviously been straightened and precisely laid into place. Her eyes were dark and her make up was so perfect she looked like she had walked right out of a magazine.

Ruth blushed scarlet. Hardly able to believe she was stood facing some unknown person wearing nothing more that Jay's t-shirt and boxers.

"I'm Leila." She nodded politely holding out a hand

"Ruth." Ruth said embarrassed

"Its ok Jay has girls over all the time." Leila half smiled half grimaced "Your not the first!" She laughed haughtily

Ruth couldn't help but think Leila thought she might be yet another of her brothers 'flings' she doubted herself for a minute wondering if Jay would move on as soon as he found someone new.

"Ruth!" Jay called from his room "Get us a coffee will you?"

"I'm not your wife!" Ruth yelled back "Nor am I your slave you lazy idiot so get out of bed."

Leila looked surprised that the girl who she had considered as another one of Jay's 'flings' would talk to her brother that way. Ruth smiled slightly before scuttling downstairs feeling uncomfortable in the presence of the girl.

Jay groaned and then pushed himself from the bed and stepped out onto the landing wearing only his boxers to try and persuade Ruth she really did want to make him a coffee .

He stepped out onto the landing and immediately turned florescent red doing a very good impression of a post box as he spotted Leila.

"Well I see you haven't changed." Leila rolled her eyes putting her hands on her hips.

"Hey Lei!" Jay smiled "Just let me.. Erm.. Yeah…" He said ducking back into his room and returning with a dressing gown. "I'm glad your back!" He added with a small cough.

"Indeed." Leila tossed her hair "Your little friend didn't seem to impressed…"

"Ah good you met Ruth, She's very nervous around new people…" Jay started to explain

"When will you stop bringing girls back from every bar you…" Leila started to lecture him

"Actually, Ruth is my girlfriend thank you." Jay snapped "We've been together a couple of months now."

"Wait, rewind, girlfriend?" Leila raised an eyebrow

"Yes girlfriend." Jay nodded

"Oh." Leila said "She just doesn't seem your type…"

"She's different." Jay tried to put his finger on it "But I love her."

"Fair enough." Leila shrugged as Ruth started coming up the stairs holding two mugs of coffee.

"Ah Cinders just what the doctor ordered!" Jay winked and Ruth glared at him

"Will you stop calling me that!" Ruth snapped handing him a mug.

"I think you two need a proper introduction." Jay suddenly beamed looking between the two girls. "Leila this is my girlfriend Doctor Ruth Winters, not some random bar girl. Ruth this is my sister Leila Faldren, soon to be a fashion guru."

"Model." Leila corrected him

"Really?" Jay asked

"Yeah I got scouted!" She beamed

"You'll have to help me out sometime, I'm useless with clothes…" Ruth blushed

"You look better with them off!" Jay winked causing Ruth to blush.

"Eww I really, really don't want to know about your sex life.." Leila pulled a face "But it was nice to meet you Ruth, I'm glad someone is making an honest man of my prick of a brother at last." she added slipping into her room with the suitcase.

Jay kissed Ruth on the forehead

"What was that for?" Ruth asked

"Just because I love you." he smiled.

Ruth raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe we should have a proper lie in." He ran his fingers across her back as he put his arm around her. Her skin tingled at his touch.

"That does sound good but I have some very important things to be doing today." Ruth winked as she pulled away and headed back into his bedroom

"Its your day off!" Jay complained "If your going to start revising I will have to do something about it…"

"Sorry to disappoint you but it doesn't involve revision or hospitals and it is very important." She poked him in the ribs

"Aww spill or I will tickle you!" Jay pleaded

"No." Ruth replied simply.

"Is it something bad?" Jay asked worried for a second

"No" She shook her head

"Tell me!" He pouted lunging towards her and trying to tickle her.

"No!" She gasped in between giggled

"Please!" he begged

"No it's a secret!" Ruth squealed "Now if you don't mind I have lots to do!" she added puling away with a small secretive smile.

She headed off into his shower room, Leaving Jay to wonder on earth what she was up to.


	24. The Perfect Christmas

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 24 - The Perfect Christmas **

****  
Ruth headed down the path her bag was full of presents, she felt like some sort of gloomy Santa Claus in her black coat. She may not be a fan of Christmas but she intended to make it a good one for the family that had been so good to her. She had spent three days scurrying through the packed shops to pick out the perfect gift for each of the members of the family. She intended on giving her presents to Jay or Jay's Nan and then leaving them too their family Christmas so she could go and sleep ready for a busy Christmas day shift in the emergency department.

"Ruth!" She had barely made half way up the path when River was hugging her around her waist. "Its Christmas tomorrow!" she beamed excitedly

"I know!" Ruth smiled half heartedly ruffling the eight year olds hair "Have you been good?"

"Yes!" River grinned

"Oh I don't know trouble…" Jay laughed from the door "You might not have been good enough for Santa Claus to come his year!"

"I have haven't I?" She asked worriedly

"I'm joking Trouble! You've been very good as usual I'm sure you will get loads of presents tomorrow!" Jay smiled

"Yay!" River smiled bouncing back into the house

"So are you coming in or not?" Jay asked Ruth who was still stood in the middle of the path.

"Yeah." She mumbled coming over and stepping inside after him. She pulled off her coat and turned to face Jay.

She spotted Jay's Nan over his shoulder and the older lady winked at her, she smiled back. Jay's present and River's present had both been too big to be successfully hidden in a bag so she had brought them round the day before whilst Jay had taken River out to the park and hidden them in the shed.

He kissed her quickly on the lips before leading the way into the living room as his Nan disappeared, presumably to make Hot Chocolates.

"I've just come over to drop your presents off." Ruth smiled

"Well you know what Nan's like, you wont leave without having a Hot Chocolate, Coffee or Cup of Tea forced down your throat!" He smiled slumping back on the sofa. "You can put the presents under the tree if you want." He suggested as he flicked the television on.

Ruth headed over to the large Christmas tree in the corner where several presents already lay and began unpacking her bag laying the presents neatly underneath. Before she joined Jay on the sofa. He kissed the top of her head and put his arm around her shoulder as she sat down next to him.

Jay knew it wasn't her favourite time of year. But he hoped to change that.

His Nan appeared minutes later with two cups of hot chocolate and Ruth sipped hers gratefully after being out in the biting winter's air for a good half hours as she walked over to the house, unwilling to trust the buses on Christmas eve.

They drank in silence, Jay's arm still resting around her shoulders. Once she had finished drinking Ruth immediately stood up.

"I'm going to put my cup back and head home so I can get some sleep before work tomorrow morning." Ruth told him

"Erm actually no your not." Jay smiled standing up too "There is no chance you are working this Christmas because you are going to be here enjoying your first proper Christmas with us!"

"But I put myself down…" Ruth started irritably frustrated that Jay would try to persuade her to skip work.

"And I booked it off for you as a surprise! Mr Jordan was more than happy to give you the day off, he said he thought it would be good for you." Jay beamed

"I like working Christmas!" Ruth complained slightly despite the new tingly feeling of excitement that was flooding her body.

"We'll you're here now and you aren't going anywhere I will lock you in my room if I have to. Now put your presents under the tree and we can go have some Hot chocolate and mince pies! Nan's spent all afternoon baking!" Jay grinned

"I hate you sometimes." Ruth complained kissing him on the lips.

"I think the word your looking for is love, you love me sometimes!" Jay smirked "Now put those cups in the kitchen and come and sit back down!"

Ruth did as she was told, the tingly feeling spread throughout her body as she rejoined Jay she smiled slightly as she rested her head on his shoulder, actually looking forward to Christmas for the first time in her life.

-

Ruth opened an eye warily as the bed started moving. Up. Down. Up. Down.

"Wake up! wake up!" River was giggling as she jumped up and down on the bed, wearing her pink rabbit pyjama's.

"Geeroff!" Jay mumbled into his pillow as Ruth turned his alarm clock around to see what time it was.

6.50am

"Its Christmas!" River giggled excitedly as Ruth sat up.

"Raaaawr!" Jay yelled as he sat up suddenly grabbing River around her waist causing her to screech and giggle even more as he began to tickle her.

Ruth smiled as she watched him playing with her.

"Right, Downstairs lets see if he's been!" Jay said springing out of bed wearing just his pyjama bottoms, River vanished from the room quicker than lightning. Ruth pulled herself up and followed the pair of them out of the room. The rest of the house was silent, Ruth presumed everyone else was still asleep.

River was dancing about excitedly by the time Ruth joined them downstairs in another of Jay's t-shirts and an oversized pair of his pyjama bottoms.

"He's been! He's been!" River was chanting excitedly "Look Ruth he's been!"

"I can see!" Ruth smiled examining the piles of presents and the stockings hanging above the fireplace.

"Right, you know the rule River, pick on present and then we'll go and have breakfast while we wait for Nan, Ellie and Leila." Jay told her

Ruth watched as the eight year old scurried between the piles to find a present she wanted to open. She eventually settled on a rather large rectangular one. Which she opened excitedly to reveal a brand new duvet set.

"Come on then Trouble breakfast time." Jay said directing the still over excited eight year old out of the room and towards the kitchen where he let her sit on the side while he started making several slices of toast and boiling the kettle.

Ruth took it as a tradition, River woke Jay up letting the rest of the family have a lie in, Jay let her open a present then made breakfast for everyone so his Nan didn't have to. Ruth smiled as he vanished and re-appeared three times each time taking with a mug of coffee or tea and two slices of buttered toast.

River sat on the side chewing her toast thoughtfully as Jay vanished the third time.

"I'm glad your staying for Christmas." She said tipped her head slightly in the way that only she did. "But don't you have to go and see your family?"

"I'm glad I'm here too." Ruth nodded "You remember I told you that my family wasn't very nice?" River nodded "That's why I don't go have to and see them."

"Are you sad because you aren't going to see them?" She asked between mouthfuls

"No, I'd much rather be here." Ruth stated simply taking a sip of her coffee.

"I don't like you being sad." River said simply

"I'm much happier now." Ruth smiled slightly

"I know, Jay said you were." River nodded "But sometimes you look sad."

"We all get sad sometimes." Ruth told her "I bet you get sad sometimes too."

"Yes but you cant be sad at Christmas!" River beamed

"No you can't" Ruth lied as Jay entered the room.

"Nan said you can watch cartoons until everyone else has finished breakfast." Jay announced to River as he rejoined them, she immediately jumped off the side and hurried into the living room with her last slice of toast.

It wasn't long until the three of them were joined by a sleepy looking Ellie, a more natural looking than usual Leila and Jay's Nan. River immediately began bouncing about again passing out the stockings. Ruth was surprised to see she had one too. Jay's Nan smiled at her encouragingly as the others ripped into their own stockings.

Ruth pulled out the first present and nervously unwrapped it to reveal a chocolate bar. Digging deeper she found a bag of sweets, a set of pens, a notebook, some socks and a little bottle of bubble bath. Simple but thoughtful.

Then it was onto the presents. Ruth watched as River passed each member of the family present after present ranging from new items of clothing to Hair Curlers and new CD's or DVD's. Ruth opened a pretty and rather fashionable looking top from Leila and a beautiful framed photo of her and Jay taken at River's birthday party, Jay had his arms wrapped around her and she was smiling like she had never seen herself smile in a photo before.

Jay watched Ruth's expression flickering from sadness to delight as they opened the presents. He knew she was probably thinking about all the Christmases in her past, he guessed they had never exactly been happy, but he knew that this one was going to be different.

He smiled as he watched her open a hand knitted purple jumper from his Nan, looking vaguely bemused vaguely horrified. He couldn't wait for her to see what he had planned for later.

River handed the next one to Ruth a big smile crossing her face.

"This is from me!" She announced proudly

Ruth opened the present nervously and pulled out a hand made clay model of a cat. It wasn't perfect in any respect, its legs on one side were slightly shorter than the other giving it the impression that it might wobble over, and the painting was patchy but to Ruth it was one of the most beautiful presents she had ever received. She couldn't believe the small child had even remember their conversation several months a ago about animals when she told her that her favourite animals were cats.

"Thank you River." Ruth smiled "Its lovely."

River headed back off to the tree as Ruth stood up.

"Maybe I should go and get your present now." Ruth announced

She slipped out of the room leaving River looking excited and returned a few minutes later carrying a small carry case. Containing a black and white fluffy rabbit.

River squealed excitedly as she spotted the cage and was immediately at Ruth's side looking in the bars.

The bunny was an almost perfect match to the one in Rivers book, Ruth had walked around five different pet shops to find such a good match and she though she had done a good job as the little girl squealed in delight.

"Now I've promised your Nan that you will look after her." Ruth told her "So you better do so!"

"I will!" River beamed excitedly "She's perfect Ruth! Can I hold her?"

"Wait until we've finished opening the presents then you can do what you like with her." Jay's Nan told her

"I've got a few more presents to give out." Ruth announced heading over to the tree and passing Ellie, Leila and Jay's Nan the presents she had neatly wrapped the day before. They all thanked her and began opening them while River poked her little fingers through the rabbit's cage her attention focused solely on the small creature inside.

"I hope its ok?" Ruth asked Leila as she produced the make up set "The shop assistant said it was a particularly good brand and for how much it cost I hope she was right…"

"Its brilliant." Leila nodded "I can never afford this stuff! Thanks Ruth!" she added with a smile.

"No Problem" Ruth brushed it off glad she had gotten something to make the girl she didn't know that well happy.

"Oh Ruth its perfect!" Ellie beamed as she unwrapped the new Ipod Ruth had gotten her "This must have cost you loads! Thank you!"

"Its ok" Ruth smiled as Jay's Nan opened parcel with her name on producing several knitting patterns and some wool and an envelope.

She opened the envelope and produced a delivery note for a brand new fridge freezer that Ruth knew she had been wanting to get for a few weeks as their old one seemed to be packing in.

"Oh Thank you dear you really didn't have too.." Jay's Nan started

"No but I wanted to, as a thank you…" Ruth blushed slightly ducking out the room for a second and producing a large box which she passed to Jay.

"Ooh big one!" Jay grinned excitedly. He unwrapped it and his jaw dropped as he spotted the brand new guitar.

"I thought since your old one got broken you might like a new one. Especially since you mentioned you missed playing…" Ruth explained as he played with the strings. She knew he hadn't been able to afford to replace his old guitar that River had broken by accident. "Check the bottom of the neck at the back." Ruth said gesturing to a point on the guitar where the neck met the base.

Jay flipped it over and saw the words 'Jay, Love you always. Ruth' inscribed

"I love it." he said kissing her cheek she blushed. "Now its time for your present!"

Ruth wasn't sure she liked the idea of this. Jay's happy smile had switched to being borderline cheeky.

Handed her a large soft parcel. Ruth opened it carefully producing the most beautiful dress she had ever held let alone owned.

"I did have a little help." Jay blushed nodding at Leila "But I made the final decision."

"Its Beautiful." Ruth smiled examining the delicate decorations and the shimmerey fabric.

"I though you could wear it later." He suggested before leaning closer pretending to kiss her on the cheek "Your other present is in my room." He added in an undertone making Ruth suspicious as to what it was going to be if it wasn't suitable for her to open in the presence of his Nan. If it was anything dodgy then she knew exactly which part of his body she would throw it at.

Once the presents were opened Jay's Nan helped River move the Rabbit, who she had already named Millie, back outside into the brand new cage that had been set up over night while the others headed off to get dressed.

Ruth felt like a princess as she slipped the dress Jay had brought her on, it was knee length and had thin straps, it was gathered at the waist and had a layer of shimmerey see though material underneath creating more of a ball gown look. It had a beautiful pattern embroidered down the side of the corset like top. Leila even appeared with a pair of slip on flat shoes for her to borrow that matched the dress perfectly.

Jay was wearing a shimmerey blue shirt with the top three buttons undone and his smart trousers. Ruth couldn't help but pull him into a deep kiss, deciding he just looked plain gorgeous in the shirt and trouser combo.

"Now you can have you other present!" He grinned lopsidedly as they broke apart, he produced a small package form his bedside table.

"I swear to god Jay if it's something dodgy…" Ruth started as he forced it into her hand

"Just open it!" He grinned.

She tore the wrapping off carefully like the present may explode and then turned a rather bright shade of red as she saw what was inside.

She held up a pair of rather skimpy pants with 'Cinders' written across the back in the same font and colour as Jay's prince charming ones.

"You should put them on!" Jay laughed pulling at the waist band of his own pants gesturing that he had the horrific Prince Charming ones on again. "let your hair down its Christmas!" he added noticing the horrified look on her face.

"What are you going to do if I don't? Make me?" Ruth asked in her old biting tone.

"Oh yes." Jay replied pushing her onto the bed and kissing her deeply.

-

An hour later they had settled down on the living room with Jay's sisters to watch some classic Christmas television whilst they waited for Jay's Nan to cook Christmas dinner. Ruth was a rather livid shade of red just thinking she was wearing those pants and Jay kept spontaneously bursting into fits of laughter causing his sisters to look at him strangely.

Eventually after many a strange look, a rather long film based around the life and times of Wallace, Gromit and a Penguin wearing a rubber glove on its head, several cartoons about reindeer and half a program about the Christmas story dinner was served.

As Ruth entered the dining room she realised exactly why the meal had taken a good few hours too cook. The entire table was covered with plates of food, From the massive beautifully cooked turkey, ever type of vegetable under the sun, boiled, roasted and mashed potatoes, small sausages wrapped in bacon, gravy, stuffing. Ruth's mouth was watering at the sight of it. She slipped into her usual seat between River and Jay and joined in with the cracker pulling, slipping the paper hat she received on her head before helping herself to a little bit of everything and tucking in happily to the gorgeous looking food.

After dinner they all slumped on the sofa or living room chairs, rubbing their bellies before joining in a family game of monopoly before settling down to watch the movie 'Home alone'.

The family split up in the early afternoon after the queens speech, Which Jay's Nan insisted they all watched, Ellie headed upstairs to play with her new Ipod, River was playing with and feeding Millie in the garden, Leila was upstairs on her laptop, Jay had headed out without announcing where he was going and Ruth was helping his Nan prepare the tea after feeling guilty for letting the older lady prepare such a fantastic lunch by herself.

"Have you seen Jay?" Ruth asked popping her head into the living room where Ellie was now watching television as she headed back from the toilet realising she hadn't seen her boyfriend for a good hour or more.

"Nope sorry." Ellie replied so quickly Ruth narrowed her eyes slightly. Was she lying?

"Come and look at what Millie is doing!" River said suddenly grabbing Ruth's hand before she had time to get more suspicious about Jay's whereabouts.

Ruth let herself be dragged out into the back garden where Millie was eating a carrot. She pretended to be excited and helped River tidy the cage before she headed back inside where Jay had reappeared and was helping carry the plates through to the dining room.

Ruth gave him an inquisitive look but he shrugged it off and offered her a plate to carry through into the dining room. She accepted the plate but continued to shoot suspicious looks at him throughout the meal.

After dinner they returned to the living room as a family Eventually it was just Ruth, Ellie and River left in the living room, Leila had excused herself long ago, Jay's Nan was making Hot chocolates and Jay had gone to do something that was apparently important.

Ruth couldn't help but reflect on the day she had just had, how welcome she felt, how happy. How she could have spent the day alone like so many times before. The mixture of emotions had eventually caught up with her and her eyes filled with tears. She was unable to stop a few from falling.

"Why are you crying? You cant be sad Ruth remember! Its Christmas!" River told her as she spotted the tears falling from Ruth's eyes, she came over to her side and sat on her knee and wrapped her little arms around her neck. Ellie looked over slightly concerned for the older girl but stayed in her seat.

"I'm crying because I'm so happy." Ruth admitted hugging the little girl back "This has been the best Christmas ever."

"Good." Ellie smiled "I think sometimes we take Christmas for granted, we do the same routine every year, we have a fantastic meal, we get everything we want, its easy to forget not everyone has it so good." she told them "We should always be grateful for what we have." she added to River who nodded.

Jay entered the room unaware of the conversation he had just interrupted.

"Right Ruth we've got to head off." He smiled

"What?" Ruth asked confused

"The other part of your Christmas present is ready!" He beamed but then noticed the tears in her eyes "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, More than ok, today's been brilliant!" Ruth smiled

"Good, but its about to get better!" He smiled "Come on River, let Ruth go I've got a big surprise for her."

"Can I come?" River asked

"No, sorry Trouble this is an adults only treat!" He winked and Ellie rolled her eyes. River looked a bit sad but cheered up when Jay produced a candy cane from his pocket for her.

Ruth was surprised when he also produced her bag, filled with her gifts and clothes from the day before as well as her coat. This was all a little too prepared for Jay and it made her more suspicious as to his intents.

They walked silently hand in hand through the snow that was now falling. Ruth shivered slightly so he pulled her close to him. She smiled appreciative for the added warmth. They eventually arrived, covered in a layer of snow, at her flat.

Ruth opened the door giving him a 'what have you done?' look and let them in.

Her Jaw dropped as she stepped through her front door. Her un-homely flat had been completely transformed there were pictures including around the walls and on the cupboards and sides. On the mantelpiece lay Ellie's Picture of her and Jay and next to it River's handmade cat. There was a small fully decorated Christmas tree in the corner and tinsel splattered around. They curtains had even been changed and Jay had covered the sofa with a throw and some cushions.

The bedroom however was even more dramatically different he had gotten hold of some fairy lights and the room was being lit solely by them, he had replaced her boring sheets with deep red ones with lighter red embroidery. He'd even gone to the trouble of placing a single read rose in the middle of the bed.

"Its… Beautiful." Ruth said a tear rolling down her face.

"I just wanted to make you feel special." He said softly

"You have done." Ruth replied sitting down on the bed and picking up the rose and rolling it between her fingers.

"Happy Christmas Ruth." Jay said sitting down next to her and wrapped her in his arms.

"Happy Christmas Jay." She replied simply putting the rose down and placing her hands on his face and kissing him passionately.


	25. New Years and New Starts

**Footsteps in the Dark **

**Chapter 25 - New Years and New Starts**

"Now what?" Nick asked as a flustered up methodical Ruth continued treating the patient lying in front of her.

"We need to make the small incision and insert the tube." Ruth said almost as if she was reading a textbook

"Good and then?" Nick said coming closer and leaning over Ruth's shoulder

"Drain the fluid." Ruth said as she picked up the scalpel

"Ok make it…" Nick paused

"Not to small not to big. About the width of your thumb?" Ruth guessed

"..Yes, Exactly. Nicely put Dr Winters." Nick complemented her Jay winked at her from across the patient and she shot him one of her 'be professional!' glares that she still reserved just for him.

Ruth carefully made the incision and then slowly inserted the tube Jay passed her. It gently slid through the tissues, a trickle of blood falling from the wound.

It was that time of the year when the Christmas hype was slowly fading, everyone was feeling the inevitable slump. Nick had decided to increase his efforts of making Ruth a first rate emergency doctor. Ruth took this to mean he was convinced his days were numbered but she could never be sure with the older doctor.

As Ruth finished the procedure she felt a flush of accomplishment. The fluid was successfully drained and she had correctly carried out the entire thing by herself.

She had soon worked out that why ever Nick was leaving it was forcing him to take a step back from the patients and treat them with words not actions. She was actually quite enjoying becoming his hands.

As Jay tidied up the patient Nick gestured her to follow him and she did still deep in though about her mentor.

At first she had taken the shaky hands, the lack of sufficient motor skills and memory to be down to an alcohol problem. After having so much personal experience with alcoholics it was always an issue at the forefront of her mind so it was always a conclusion she came to surprisingly quickly, sometimes with bad results. She swallowed trying not to think about the patient she had misdiagnosed, the patient that had been the final straw almost two years ago now.

No she didn't believe Nick's problem was down to alcohol. It appeared to be something much more serious. Ruth suspected something neurological but obviously she couldn't be sure. She knew Adam knew about what ever it was, he would act like he was the clinical lead when Nick was around and glare at Nick every time he nearly touched a patient. Zoe also seemed to know. It was common knowledge she and Nick were now some sort of item.

Ruth had at first expected to feel a pang of jealously when she found out she after all had once harboured a crush on her mentor, even going so far as to spend a night with him but since she had started going out with Jay she hadn't really thought about him twice. The power was no longer something that attracted her neither was the father figure. She was pondering how the lack of parental influence affected her choices at times when they stepped into a cubicle.

This patient was blatantly drunk. His words were slurring as he shouted abuse at Jess who looked close to tears, he smelt of stale cider and cigarettes. A stomach churning combination Ruth recalled from her childhood. She swallowed deeply trying to prevent herself from throwing up, sick, blood, gangrene mouldy body parts… non of those smells effected her in the slightest but these days the familiar stench of stale beer or cider mixed with that of cigarettes made her heave.

"What do you think Doctor Winters?" Nick asked interrupting her thoughts

"CT scan just in case, it is obvious he is drunk but it could easily be hiding a head trauma. She said in an overly cautious manner

"Ruth just because in the past you may have experienced cases that you believe you could have changed the outcome of…" Ruth swallowed nervously "…Doesn't mean every future case will need to go to the expense of a CT scan or such. Before you try to be over cautious, look at the situation, if it is suspicious then whatever the case is make sure you take all precautions, if not, then take the necessary precautions and if any symptoms show later take yet more precautions. This gentleman for example was found passed out on a park bench, he had folded up his jumper and had apparently simply fallen into a deep sleep. Totally inebriated."

"I am not ineeeebriatated!" The patient tried to argue

"You, shut up! see Doctor Winters?" He asked "What treatment would you now suggest?"

"Stitches in the cut, monitoring for a few hours or at least until he has sobered up slightly." She gestured at the mans arm "Discussing the outcome alcoholism and extreme drinking."

"I'm not an alcoholic!" He protested

"Good." Nick said "Right I will leave him in your capable hands. Nurse Harrison if you would come with me." He raised his eyebrows at the frustrated and teary eyed nurse.

"But…" Ruth started looking nothing less than petrified, but she reminded herself Nick wouldn't have know what sort of mental torture she would be going through treating the patient.

"Your just like the rest of them." The man slurred

"Just lie still and let me stitch this up." Ruth said harshly grabbing his arm a little more roughly than she intended

"Your going to lecture me." he spat "Tell me to put the bottles back in the cupboard, I've heard it all before."

"I bet." Ruth mumbled trying to ignore the man, her frosty shell instantly re-appeared to protect herself from the memories more than anything.

"You could never understand." He said sharply "you doctors are all the same, heartless monsters like your boss person." the man told Ruth

"Oh I understand." Ruth told him "I understand perfectly well."

"Yeah right." he hissed

Ruth finished the stitches and pulled off her rubber gloves.

"You know what? Alcoholism is one of the most selfish ways of destroying your life possible." She began staring the man in the eyes "The damage to your body is irreparable and lets not even go into the damage to the people around you… Do you have a wife?" He nodded "Kids?" he nodded again

"My dad is an alcoholic." She told him bluntly "His alcoholism was directly related to my mother committing suicide when I was thirteen, his alcoholism was also directly related to my brother becoming a criminal and me… It screwed me up. He hurt me in so many ways, the mental and physical abuse has left me with permanent scars, I've tried to kill myself twice."

He was stunned into silence.

"it's a hard thing to over come but not impossible." Ruth explained "you have two choices. You can let me help you or you can carry on hurting yourself and everyone around you. Make a choice." She held out her hand to the man and he looked up into her cold eyes.

"I don't make offers like this very often you should know." Ruth said her blue eyes piercing his green ones.

"If you can help me. Then please do." he replied simply accepting the hand.

"I know just the Nurse." She smiled thinking about Abs and his new clinic, if anyone she knew could help the man onto the right path is was the guy that had subtly helped set her off on that path herself.

Ruth slipped out of the cubicle, leaving the patient happily settled back in the bed waiting for his observation time to be over so he could be discharged. She walked right into Jay who appeared to have taken up lodgings outside of the cubicle his ear pressed against the horrifically patterned fabric.

"I wasn't…" He started immediately flushing red

"You're an idiot." Ruth said hitting him around the head with the patients files.

"When I heard he was an alcoholic I thought… I wanted to make sure… you were upset or… put in a position that would…" he scratched the back of his neck in that nervous fashion he had perfected.

But Ruth knew he wasn't snooping he was just being over protective. She knew he expected her to start yelling but she didn't want to, with a jolt she realised it was nice to know someone was looking out for her.

"Your not screaming…" He started nervously "Why aren't you screaming?"

"Because maybe I'm enjoying having someone who looks out for me." She smiled slightly

"But you usually scream…" Jay raised an eyebrow "Have you had a brain transplant Doctor Winters?"

"Nah some idiot just left my freezer door open." She poked her tongue out at him and scurried off to carry on with her work.

Jay watched her go bemused and amazed.

The simple changes in Ruth that he had observed was at time nothing short of miraculous, the things she had over come… He smiled to himself thinking about how he had helped her. He would go to the edge of the world for that girl.. He would cling to the edge of the most crumbly cliff, risk life and death.

It had hit him so hard that he never saw it coming.

That dawning realisation.

He headed to the staffroom his head spinning. Slumping on the sofa he held his head firmly in his hands.

He knew what he had to do but how to do it? It had to be perfect. Spectacular even.

It was New years eve tomorrow.

Out with the old, In with the new. The symbolism was so perfect.

"Alright?" Charlie asked as he helped a preoccupied Jay direct the patient's trolley into the lift

"Yeah just thinking about.. Stuff." Jay smiled slightly

"Does this stuff include a certain Icy Doctor?" Charlie smiled knowingly

"When doesn't it?" Jay asked rolling his eyes slightly.

"Don't be so nervous." Charlie said as the lift door shut looking down at his shaking palm and the box he was rolling between his fingers. He slipped it back into his scrubs pocket. "Just get on and do it."

"How do you always read my mind?" He asked eyeing up the older nurse.

"Because I can." Charlie smiled "And whatever plan your cooking up… Just make it Simple Dramatic and Realistic. Make her feel important. Put the spotlight on her."

"Thanks Gramps." Jay nodded as they pushed the trolley from the lift the patient looking vaguely confused.

Simple.

Dramatic.

Realistic.

Important.

Spotlight.

New years eve arrived. With a wink from Charlie Jay had excused himself from the Staffroom. His entire body shaking as he pulled on his crisp black suit. He fingers got all tangled as he tried to tie the bow tie and he was thankful for the appearance of Adam who immediately stepped in and performed the simple task before slapping the nurse on the back. He had never been so nervous about something in his entire life.

Simple.

Dramatic.

Realistic.

Important.

Spotlight.

A radio was being played on the reception desk by Noel who obviously was trying to shoot a bit of new years joy into the air as they worked.

Jay walked nervously through the department, feeling like an idiot in his suit.

"10." the voice on the radio announced

Jay quickened his pace

"9"

Nine seconds to find her

"8"

Charlie slapped him on the back reassuringly as he passed.

"7"

The other members of staff were appearing from cubicles and offices, all eyes on Jay in his suit.

"6"

He spotted her in resus pulling off the rubber gloves knowing they were making the familiar snapping sound.

"5"

His fingers closed around the small box as he willed up all the courage he could

"4"

She walked through those doors, she frowned.

"3"

"Where are your scrubs!" she rolled her eyes beginning to turn away.

"Just shut up for a second!" Jay blurted out grabbing her arm. She span back around to face him

"2"

He was down on one knee

"What on earth…" Ruth started.

"Ruth you drive me up the wall!" He laughed slightly "But I love you with every little bit of my heart. Will you Marry me?" Jay asked pulling out a small box.

"1"

Ruth looked down stunned for a second. This couldn't be happing to her, this was the sort of thing that only happened in fairytales, not her life. A big smile crossed her face.

But she didn't have to think twice.

"Yes." She replied wrapping her arms around his neck as he stood up.

She kissing him deeply while the whole department cheered, Auld Lang Syne booming out throughout the department from the radio and several members of staff.

"I love you Jay." she added between kisses.

"I love you too Ruth." Jay beamed

_**A New Year. A New Start.**_

A/n - Thanks for reading everyone! This fic is the first part of a triology and I will be posting the next part (Trials of the Heart) soon if you want to read what happens next! :)


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